


In Solitude

by cabarets



Category: Code Blue: Doctor Heli Kinkyuu Kyuumei
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-18
Updated: 2019-09-18
Packaged: 2020-05-14 00:27:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 26,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19262260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cabarets/pseuds/cabarets
Summary: “Time isn’t the only thing that has changed between us,”“I’d like to think so too,”





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Pardon my language my dudes, but we're back on our bullshit. 
> 
> In case this is the first time you've encountered my fics, hi — welcome, make yourself comfortable. This is the final instalment of the 'In' Trilogy. Yes, this is part of a trilogy (i.e. In Passing, In Reverberation, and well, this). However, like it's past siblings - you can totally read this on its own.
> 
> Anyway, please extend your gratitudes to user choi_kimmy (bboaing on twitter), because if she wasn't smart I would've deleted this. If you must know we made a deal that she must get at least a 90% or I would delete this fic. So since this is here, you know she did something right, and I always keep my word.
> 
> I'm not warning you anymore, all I'm gonna say is that it's a really long fic, you guys know what you signed up for. Happy reading.

_“I always wondered what it’s going to be like in the future,” she says to him._

_“We’d probably still be in Shohoku,” he replies._

_“Oh, you’d be there?” she scoffs._

_“Of course,” he adds unto the banter, “You’ll finally beat Kuroda-sensei’s record.”_

_“Impossible.”_

_“I’d probably be Shohoku’s top Neurosurgeon, even if I’m stationed in Lifesaving.”_

_“Lifesaving?”_

_“By your side,”_

_“And we’d be happy,”_

_“Very,” he adds satisfied, “Very happy.”_

 

* * *

 

“Tachibana-sensei, Saijo-sensei,”

His two seniors only gave him the warmest of welcomes as he entered the office. As they settled into it, they start to catch up with each other, exchanging stories of what has happened in the last five years that he was gone. It was always nice to hear stories of all sorts, especially from those who haven’t really seen in awhile.

It’s almost strange to be back here.

After a little while, there was the inevitable — a discussion on his posting. Would he stay in Lifesaving or would he go back to Neurosurgery? If you had asked him years ago, this was something that went through countless times in his head. However, with the person he is now— this was something unquestionable for him.

“Are you sure?” Saijo-sensei asks one more time for certainty.

“Not that I don’t want to—”

“Your heart just isn’t here,” Saijo-sensei replies before he could finish his sentence, “I think I got that already.”

“You know Aizawa,” Tachibana brings up, “I never thought you’d be that type of guy. But you clearly are.”

Tachibana-sensei and Saijo-sensei look at each other as if in agreement with what was said. He didn’t know what his mentors meant by that, but Aizawa seems to somewhat understand where he was going.

 

* * *

The Emergency room is in full sway, blazing with noises and bustle from the staff. It was still running smoothly as ever — as if he expected any less. He finds himself overhearing conversations between each doctor on how to proceed with their patients. Instead of being much more active on his return, he stands there, observing. He just stands there as they continued doing their thing, sometimes even pushing past him, but he didn’t mind. He didn’t mind it at all.

As the state of overwrought died down and the clean up of everything had been sorted, Aizawa was met with the same warmth from the staff — pats on the shoulder, beaming smiles, even a hug from Fujikawa. Which was something he thought he would never be pleased to be on the receiving end of them.

For Aizawa, it’s all nice to see them all again — even if he didn’t care to admit it, he was rather fond of them, after all. However, there was an elephant in the room that they seemed to have failed to address.

“Where’s Shiraishi?” Aizawa asks casually. 

“Speaking engagement in Meiho U,” Fujikawa says, “like father, like daughter.”

Meiho Medical University. Interesting. But if it’s Meiho U, it seems like her. Like father, like daughter, indeed.

“It’s nice to see you all,” he gives a slight nod to Fujikawa, “really.”

He then leaves the room with a slight smile on his face which confused his colleagues — who were accustomed to his irascible nature. 

 

* * *

Taking a breather, Aizawa finds himself by the helipad like he used to — uninhabited .

Has something changed? Maybe a little bit. The pavements newly painted, the grasslands nearby seems nicely trimmed. Otherwise, it was all the same, it was strange. It was strange to see things change, albeit small changes. As he felt the breeze hit his face, he is reminded of the calmness of being around this place — that, and for some reason, a memory of Shiraishi delicately squeezing her neck for relief.

Shiraishi. He did not really know how to feel about seeing her today. If he was being honest, he was a little relieved. He genuinely did not know what to do, what to say to her, what to do exactly. Should he rehearse what to say? Should he make sure that he looks alright? Things like this made him realise that even now, he still believes himself to be reduced to a young school boy when it comes to things like this.

“What am I going to do with you?” he sighs as he leans on the railings, pressing his fingertips against each other.

 

* * *

“Megumi-san, thanks for coming today,”

“It’s no problem Yoichi-san,”

Shiraishi had been invited for a discussion at Meiho Medical University. It’s a common occurrence now ever since she had taught there for a semester a few months back. It started of as teaching a simple elective to a handful — it ended up being the most filled up classroom by the end.  For something that she berated her father for doing, she ended up doing it as well — which is quite hypocritical of her, she knows this.

“Are you sure?” he asks her, “is there something important at Shoyo that you needed to attend to?”

Can she easily be read? At that moment, she became quite conscious of her own appearance. She shrugs off her thoughts in haste — there were better things to focus on.

“No, nothing really,”

“Megumi-san,” he sighs, “we grew up together, I think I know when something’s bothering you.”

That was the thing with childhood friends, they know how you behave. Working together with him awhile back helps with his awareness of her.

“Kosaku’s back,” she said in a faint whisper, as if she didn’t believe it herself.

“The same Kosaku we keep talking about?”

“The same Kosaku.”

 

* * *

It’s been a long shift in Lifesaving that day — a way to welcome him back, he supposes. He takes Fujikawa’s night shift that night, just because. Which obviously took his colleague by surprise, but it was welcome.

He walks around the hospital aimlessly for awhile after all his night duties have been accomplished. North to south, floor by floor — every nook and cranny. There was something about the hospital at night that Aizawa just wanted to take it all in — he clearly missed the place. It felt familiar yet foreign, like going on the same train to a different destination.

As he slowly made his way to the staff office to finish the other paperwork, he sees someone by the navigation board, lost in thought.

“You’ve rearranged.”

“A bit,” she said as she approached.

She was wearing a smart suit, which felt like she came all the way here before everything else. Her hair’s a bit longer than it was when he last saw her, but he thought her long fringe framed her face quite nicely. He noticed her face which looked fresh and put together even if she probably had a hectic day, but it only really shows on her eyes if you really look closely — she’s tired, but she’ll never admit that.

But one thing’s for sure: It still feels the same, even after all these years.

“Good work today,” 

“You had a lecture?” he asks,

“Yes.”

“In Meiho U?”

“Yes.”

“What was it about?”

“The medical transport of children, it was a panel discussion prepared by the Paediatric surgery department.” she sighs, “Kosaku, is this small talk or an interrogation?”

Kosaku. The sound of his own name coming out from her lips was something he hadn’t heard in awhile.

“Kosa—,” she pinches the in-betweens of her eyebrows, “I’m sorry, I have no right to call you that anymore.”

“No,” he shakes his head, “you can call me however you like.”

“Even if —”

“Even if we broke up.” he completes the sentence for her.

There, he realises, it _was_ strange that after all of that, after all they have been through— it’s like they were strangers again.

“Welcome back,” she gives out a faint smile.


	2. Chapter 2

“Aizawa-sensei,” Shiraishi calls out to him as the team disperses after the morning briefing, “I scheduled your renewal in 2 weeks.”

Despite his unexpressive demeanour, Shiraishi feels like Aizawa looked like he didn’t know what she was talking about.

“You didn’t tell him?” she asks Tachibana-sensei.

“I thought you wanted to,” Tachibana-sensei replies, which from his tone meant he had planned this all along, looking quite pleased with himself.

That’s why.

“I’ll leave you two to it,” Tachibana-sensei says as he closes the door behind him.

She doesn’t blame Tachibana-sensei. He didn’t know. If she was just transparent, she wouldn’t have to deal with this. Even she didn’t really know how to deal with Aizawa on her own just yet. Things like this, should be stuffed down to chest to be ignored — at least for now. She should at least be professional. She could do that.

“You need to register to ride the heli again,” she sighs.

“Shiraishi, I’ve been on the heli before.”

“It’s been 5 years since, Aizawa.” 

With her last statement, Aizawa probably felt that it was a bit more weighted than it was. It was. She didn’t mean it to.

“I’m sorry,” she says, “ But facts are facts, you need to pass an exam to fly the heli again.”

 

* * *

“You’re the last person I thought would never do that face when reading something like that,”

And he was the last person he wanted to see — but then again, here he is. But Shinkai was right — annoyingly right. He’d been trying to figure out the new manual, which consisted of mostly things he already knew. However, Fujikawa has told him that the questions given were both technical and situational. He knew how to study, he just didn’t know where to start.

“You know, there’s a really qualified person to teach you around,” he smiles at him smugly.

He knew that already. It’s frustrating because he knows. It was even more frustrating that it had to be Shinkai to point this out. He just doesn’t know how to move forward. Aizawa just simply glares at him in response.

“As I know of, Megumi-san has the highest test score in all of Japan for that test.” he says as he gets out of the elevator, with the look of satisfaction after that exchange.

What the hell is that? Are they that familiar now? Aizawa just wished at that moment he pushed Shinkai off instead, but he won’t — because Shinkai knew, really knew how to push him.

Shinkai knew what he was talking about — and he wasn’t even in Lifesaving.

 

* * *

It was just Aizawa in the office tonight, as she didn’t want it to be. However, he seems to be occupied in his reading. He wouldn’t notice her, won’t he? She just needed to get her handbag and go. Get it and go. But as she approached, she saw the frustrated look on his face that she couldn’t help it.

“Good work today,” she greets him as she grabs her handbag from her desk.

“Ah,”

“Having trouble?”

“Not particularly,”

“Are you sure?”

He finally looks up to her. She could feel him slowly losing his temper. Finally. The whole week of having him back felt like he was just giving out responses that seemed robotic—it didn’t help either that she was avoiding to talk to him all this time. So this, this was something to actually be happy about. He wasn’t walking on eggshells around her anymore. This was enough, she didn’t need him to talk any further than this.

“It’s alright,” he sighs, doesn’t look away from the manual, “have a good night, Megumi.”

_Megumi_. As she walks away, his words, particularly, the way he called her by name left her feeling something else. Shiraishi draws in a deep breath and walks back into the office, darting straight to her desk, rummaging through it.

“Ah,” she exclaims as she spots what she needed and as she takes hold of it — she shoves it to Aizawa aggressively.

“Here,”

“What’s this?” he asks her. In his hands is a well worn out notebook.

Then for the first time, she finally smiles at him, like the ones that try so hard not to.

“Have a good night, Aizawa-sensei.”

 

* * *

Contemplating for awhile after she left, he finally got to read what Shiraishi had given him.

Upon inspection, Aizawa realises that it’s a handwritten manual of sorts. It was systemic, strategic, concise yet at the same time quite expansive. Cohesive. It was cohesive, like if you gave it to someone who practiced medicine and to someone who didn’t — they would both understand its contents and actually remember. No wonder she got accepted to Meiho — only an exaggerated honours student like her would be able to pull this off.

Then, he heard a squeak from one of the chairs next to him. It was Shinkai, just browsing through his phone. He was so immersed in the guide, he didn’t even notice Shinkai walk in.

“Welcome back,” Shinkai says as he notices Aizawa staring at him.

“Ah,” Aizawa utters as he puts down the guide on his desk.

“Here’s the opinion you wanted,” he passes on a file to Aizawa, “we need to figure out a course of action for Setoguchi-san by tomorrow.”

“Right,”

“Well, what did you know,” Shinkai says under his breath, like he was addressing it to himself.

“What?”

What was Shinkai up to? It bothered Aizawa. It’s like he knows something he doesn’t. However, importantly, the real question was —how long has Shinkai been there?

“Nothing, nothing,” he chuckles as he stood up from his seat, “I’ll leave you to it then. Goodnight Aizawa.”

 

* * *

_“Shiraishi-sensei, good work today.”_

_“Oh, Shinkai-sensei, the same to you.”_

_Shinkai hands her his medical opinion on Kitagawa-san, a patient who was brought in earlier._

_“Kitagawa-san will be fine for now, the final judgement would be when he comes out from his induced coma.”_

_“Thank you Shinkai-sensei,” she lifts the file in acknowledgement, “you’ve been a great help.”_

_“What is that you’re doing by the way?” he asks, “you seemed engrossed in it.”_

_“Oh, this,” she looks at her desk again, “I’m writing a guide for the new heli. They have an exam for it after all.”_

_She could see why Shinkai would ask about it. Her desk was scattered of all sorts of pens and sticky notes. It was clearly a mess._

_“Haven’t you already passed the exam for it?” he asks,_

_“I-It might come in handy.” Shiraishi stumbles to answer the question, her blood running to her ears._

_“I see,” Shinkai says, “I’ll leave you to it then. Goodnight.”_

_“You have a good night too, Shinkai-sensei,”_

_“Shiraishi,”_

_“Hm?”_

_“Aizawa’s lucky to have you.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I just wanted to say that I do read your comments, it's just that I hinder myself from answering them early on because I might accidentally spoil you from what's gonna happen. I'll address them, I promise, but only when I have published everything (if it hasn't been answered by the text themselves). So please don't hesitate to leave me some, I also highly encourage you guys to discuss about it - conspiracies are also welcome! I'd really like to know how you'd think this fic would go.
> 
> But let's talk seriously:
> 
> On the advice of my Ophthalmologist, I should lessen my use of electronics a few days before my surgery so that's what I'm doing. I really don't know exactly how long I'll be gone, so I'm not sure when will I update this again. I'm sorry.


	3. Chapter 3

> _Aizawa-sensei,_
> 
> _Congratulations. I had no doubt in my mind that a simple exam like that would hinder you. I’m sorry I couldn’t give this to you personally, but I hope my sincerity reaches you. I have already adjusted the heli schedule so that you can fly the heli tomorrow._
> 
> _Shiraishi_

 

Probably leaving it during the early morning before leaving herself, Shiraishi left an envelope which held his results to the renewal exam, which were exemplary —as expected. She also left him a can of coffee and what looked like a homemade bento beside it. She probably thought he would skip breakfast as she probably knew he only went home to shower and change. She did know their schedules after all. He thought it was something she would do, despite everything. He really had to remember to thank her for that.

As he looks at the edge of Lifesaving’s Navigation table, it only had two entries: The first being Shiraishi’s whereabouts for that day, a meeting with another hospital nearby. The second? It was a congratulatory marker for him, doodles and all. Which made him smile to himself — she was like that.

“It’s time to celebrate,” Fujikawa says as he places his arm around Aizawa, “it’s long overdue that we celebrated you coming back to Japan.”

“Ah,”

“I’ll even invite Hiyama.”

That’s how they ended up at Meguri Ai. As soon as his face emerged from the front door, he was welcomed warmly by Mary Jane and her crew. Hiyama was already there waiting for them, making one of those pistachio shell towers that they’re so fond of.

Apparently, they were waiting for the right opportunity to gather and catch up with each other. As doctors, especially, it was quite difficult to schedule and quite rare to see them all in one place. Aizawa found himself to be quite touched by the gesture. However, not everything always goes to plan. He finds himself lingering at the bar’s entrance — waiting for someone to walk by.

Aizawa then finally recognises someone who enters the vicinity. However, it isn’t the one he was expecting. He nods his head in salutation.

“Shinkai,” Hiyama acknowledges his presence, “what are you doing here?”

“It’s nice to see you too Hiyama-sensei,” he smiles at her and greets the rest of them.

Aizawa assumes that Fujikawa invited him too — which doesn’t surprise him. He’s been helping Lifesaving when he left for Toronto, after all.

“I discovered something,” Fujikawa says as he gathers them closer together.

Fujikawa is a well-known gossip around the hospital, so it isn’t unexpected for him to bring up information that is truthfully, more than needed. But the group humours him and listens.

“Aizawa and Shiraishi are definitely together.”

Did Megumi hide it from everyone? But the fact that everyone just rolled their eyes at him and continued on with whatever was they were doing told him otherwise. Fujikawa may be a gossip, but he probably wasn’t really the best one.

“Wait,” Fujikawa says, genuinely surprised, “this isn’t new?”

“Fujikawa you idiot,” Hiyama exclaims, “Wasn’t it obvious?”

“Even you, Shinkai?”

Shinkai just gave him a sympathetic nod.

“Actually, we broke up.” Aizawa admits nonchalantly, downing the rest of his drink.

With his revelation, it was probably the reaction Fujikawa wanted to have — a collective sound of shock and confusion hit the walls of Meguri Ai. Aizawa wasn’t a person who aired out his business out in the open, but for the moment, he thought it necessary. It would be bothersome to both Shiraishi and himself to be subjected to random teasing from his comrades. It would save Shiraishi the trouble.

“That’s for saying something unnecessary.” Saejima utters to her husband as she hits him in the back of his head.

 

* * *

Shiraishi’s just arrived at the station near her home. It was a long and hard day of conversations and negotiations. At the end of the day, she’s just happy to be part of these things — she liked learning about things, about people. As she was walking, she felt her phone vibrate from her coat pocket— seeing a message from Hiyama.

> _Shiraishi, Aizawa’s here._

Another message pops up.

> _It’s about time you come too._

It wasn’t like she didn’t want to come. It’s just as soon as she received the invitation earlier, she realised she never mentioned that Aizawa and her weren’t together anymore. It’s not like Aizawa, despite everything, was unfamiliar. It’s not that Aizawa and her do not have the potential to be friends after a breakup. No. That wasn’t it. Shiraishi just wasn’t sure how to approach a situation like this. Then she realised, if she wasn’t there right now, it would probably be brought up and Aizawa would have to deal with it alone. Alone. Aizawa would probably be uncomfortable. She didn’t want that. Not at all.

With that thought in mind, she takes a deep breath and like before, she just felt an undeniable impulse to walk.

 

* * *

“Ugly, you’re here,” Mary Jane said as she was cleaning up the counter, “you missed the party. It was eventful.”

Good eventful or bad eventful, Shiraishi didn’t know. But from the look on Aizawa’s face, she did not want to ask.

“Sorry I’m late,”

Aizawa just shakes his head and offers her the seat beside him.

“Do you want something to drink?”

“I don’t think I should.”

“Fair enough,” he takes a final swig of his drink, “you should drink some water though, at least.”

“I’ll leave you two alone,” Mary Jane says as she places the two water bottles in front of them.

Aizawa opens one of them and gestures for Shiraishi to take it.

“It’s been a long time,” he continues to persist, “but I’m assuming you walked here.”

She finally grabs on to the bottle and drinks from it. As the water goes down her throat, she realises that she actually needed that.

“Time isn’t the only thing that has changed between us,”

“I’d like to think so too,” he replies.

“I liked you then,”

“So you don’t like me now?” he jokes.

There was the fact that she didn’t want to tell herself the truth. She wanted to say that she liked him, of course. But what constitutes like? Does she like him as a co-worker? A doctor? Shiraishi likes him possibly more than that. More. She _knows_ she likes him more than that. Instead of letting that linger, which is getting closer to the truth, she decides to backtrack.

“Aizawa,”

“Hm,”

“Can we be friends again?”

She steals a glance at him from the corner of her eye, she didn’t actually know how to answer that. Could your former boyfriend really be your friend?It doesn’t really happen that often. However,Aizawa wasn’t just a boyfriend to her either. He was her friend first more than anything — a confidant. A person who even if a few words have been said between them, he would understand. He understood her than most. They let themselves linger in silence for awhile, taking it in.

“Did you know that Fujikawa had no idea we were together?” Aizawa breaks the silence, his face showing his amusement at the same time a sense of disbelief.

The past few weeks of him returning from Toronto was undeniably, not easy for the both of them. But now, it seems like it’s much more comfortable.


	4. Chapter 4

“What is it Fujikawa-sensei?”

“N-nothing,” he says as he scurries away.

Lately, whenever Shiraishi and Aizawa would have the least bit of interaction, they would notice Fujikawa looking at them with a sombre expression. It seems that he hasn’t gotten over the fact that his two closest friends have parted before he could even process that they have been together. That hasn’t stopped him from letting the whole hospital know what was going on between the two, though. But, it didn’t matter much to them. They couldn’t blame him, in fact, they felt a bit sorry for him. Who wouldn’t feel sorry for someone like that?

“Aizawa,” Shiraishi says in a low voice, “should we talk to Fujikawa?”

Naturally, Shiraishi would feel the same distress that Fujikawa would feel. It really isn’t easy to be a worrier like her. Aizawa would likely just be annoyed with it as it was bothersome to sulk about something that has been considered a thing in the past between them both — but it wasn’t, he just agreed with Shiraishi’s sentiments. But that didn’t mean they needed to explain anything — Fujikawa isn’t a child.

“No, I think we should just give him time to process it.”

They may have been able to come to terms with their own breakup, but it hasn’t been the same with Fujikawa. He understood that breakups could release a wave of emotions. In Fujikawa’s perspective, he thought, that he just feels this way due to him wanting the both of them to be happy. 

But Aizawa just knew her, he really did.

“Megumi,” he sighs,

From the look in her eyes, Shiraishi still felt her friend’s trouble to process. He knew that she wanted to assure Fujikawa that things are alright between them, that isn’t gonna affect the dynamics between their camaraderie, their work. He knew that the thought will linger in her head, so much so that she might lose sleep from it or will feel more tired to function properly, until she could see that he gets over it. That’s what worriers like her do. They don’t know where to place the boundaries — to them they don’t really exist. The only thing you could do for them is give a little bit of support to help figure out where to set them on their own.

“If he asks about it, we’ll tell him, okay?” Aizawa then squeezes her shoulders as he walked away from her — flexing his fingers as soon as they left her.

For some reason, Shiraishi immediately clutches on to where he held her — like instinct. It was probably ingrained in Aizawa’s subconscious to do that, to touch her. It didn’t bother her when he would do that— sometimes she wouldn’t even notice. But now, now, his touch lingered.

 

* * *

It was late at night at the office and Aizawa and Shiraishi were both on their desks, immersed in their work. 

“Good work today,” Fujikawa says as he enters to retrieve something from his own desk — looking like he was about to go home for the night.

Aizawa looks up and notices him looking at the both of them regrettably. As soon as he locked eyes with him, it sends Fujikawa scurrying his way out of the office. Aizawa then takes a deep breath, realising that it needs to be done.

“Fujikawa,” Aizawa calls out to him.

He has to do this. It truly is bothersome, but if it will give Shiraishi some peace of mind — he did not see why he shouldn’t do this. Fujikawa turns around from where he stood.

“Shiraishi and I broke up a year ago. We weren’t exactly on speaking terms when I got back.”

Shiraishi didn’t expect him to do this. Aizawa wasn’t the type to air out his personal life out in the open like that. But he looked at her, he looked at her as if assuring her that it’s alright. With this, Shiraishi looked like she was both embarrassed at the same time grateful.

“I’m sorry,” Shiraishi interjects shyly,

“What are you sorry for?” Aizawa asks, “Don’t be sorry, I don’t regret our relationship.”

Fujikawa seemed surprised with his declaration. Aizawa surprised himself as well, this was one of the few things he thought he thought he’d never do. An impulsive declaration, yes. But necessary. It was necessary.

“But since then,” Aizawa continued on, “we’ve come to realise that we still wanted to be in each other’s lives. We’ll be alright.”

Fujikawa takes a few moments to himself, as if gathering his thoughts. Aizawa gazes at Shiraishi subtly to see that she’s engaging herself in mental gymnastics as usual, which worried him greatly.

“I see,” Fujikawa then just nods his head at the both of them and takes his leave —as if satisfied.

Aizawa comes closer to Shiraishi now, leaning himself by her side. He exhales exaggeratedly which she couldn’t help but follow suit — realising then that she was holding her breath the whole time. Shiraishi felt like she could breathe again.

“Thank you,” Shiraishi says after regaining her composure, “for doing that.”

He simply shook his head. She didn’t need to thank him. It needed to be done.

“Shiraishi,” 

“Hm?”

“Can you change my shift on the 24th?”

She didn’t need an explanation as to why he needed that day free. She knew exactly why he had asked. It would be the first time in five years. He didn’t even have to ask.

“Of course.”

As he looks away from her, she attempts to touch his hair. She seems so close to but at a split second, decides not to.

 

* * *

It was a long walk from the station to the grounds, but Aizawa did not mind that at all. It was a way to clear your mind, to organise your thoughts. It was probably the reason why Megumi was rather fond of walking. 

When he arrived, he sees his father, as if he just got there as well. They may not be close, but when it came to this, they’re a united front. It was all they could do for each other, all they needed to do — nothing more, nothing less.

“Welcome back,” his father says to him.

“Ah,”

He wanted to do this properly. It may be his mother’s death anniversary, but in his thoughts, he would give respect to both his mother and his grandmother—it’s been five years since he’s last been.

“Mother,” Aizawa says aloud, sending a prayer out, hoping that it’ll reach them. Hoping that they know that he has come back home, that he was sorry for not coming for a long time.

After giving out his thoughts, Aizawa notices a confused expression crossing his father’s face as he looked afar, leaving him a bit curious.

“Are you expecting someone?” Aizawa asks,

“No,” his father turned his attention to him, “I just thought you wouldn’t be alone,”

His father’s statement confused Aizawa. Everytime they met up like this, it was always just them — except when his grandmother was still around. So, why wouldn’t he be alone?

 

* * *

“Can I have another one, please?”

Mary Jane pours another one out for her, hesitantly. She probably felt that she needed this right now — which Shiraishi was grateful for.

“Shiraishi,” Hiyama calls her attention.

“Hm?”

“Aren’t you supposed to be somewhere?”

“Nope,” Shiraishi takes a swig of her drink sloppily.

“Isn’t it today?” Hiyama gets straight to the point, “his grandma’s death anniversary?”

“Yes,” she replies, “I gave him the day off. He’s there now.”

“Is it really alright to leave it at that?”

Shiraishi simply nods her head in reply, drinking the rest of her beverage—the bitterness lingering longer than it should.


	5. Chapter 5

_She’s also certain that he wanted to be there, that, Shiraishi was so sure of._

_It’s a long walk from the station, she thought. She imagines Kosaku walking alongside Kinue-san, slowly but surely, like the doting grandson he was._ _She’s sure that they took their time to get there. She’s sure that he’s thinking of them often, but most specially today. She’s certain that he wanted to be there — she wanted him to be there too._

_She walked around the grounds, looking out for where she should be. It was taking awhile until another figure appears, which stops at the middle of the yard just standing there as if expecting someone. As she moves closer, she makes out who the man is in front of her. The man who Kosaku only sees at times like this._

_She takes a deep breath and approaches him with purpose. An amiable yet silent exchange of salutations happen between them. Shiraishi did not know why she was so nervous._

_“I’ve met you before, yes?” he asks._

_He seems to recognise her, which eases her feeling quite a bit — but not quite. She catches him rubbing his fingers against each other — as if in thought. He does that too. Like father, like son. The thought of that amused her and instantly rid her of her own anxiousness._

_“You’re from the hospital, the one I gave the letter to.” he says,_

_She simply nods her head in affirmation. But she wanted to do this properly, impressions do last, after all. She believed she would be in for the long haul, until he wants her there — this was part of it._

_“I’m Megumi Shiraishi,” she says with a conviction,_

 

* * *

She got home quite late from Meguri Ai, thankfully in one piece. She needed that. After awhile, she walks into her apartment’s balcony feeling the wind on her face. She looks to the sky, into the clouds.

“I’m sorry, Kinue-san, Natsumi-san,”

Shiraishi bows her head to the distance — getting lower and lower. She grieved. She grieved for them, the women in Aizawa’s life. She then felt an immense feeling of grief for Kosaku, though she hardly knew of what. But, it grieved her. It grieved her to think of him.

_“You’re really someone close to him, aren’t you?” Seiji-san says._

“I’m not someone close anymore.” she whispered to herself, as if reminding herself of her own place.

 

* * *

He couldn’t get it out of his mind, even as he laid down on his bed — exhausted from travelling.

_“Megumi Shiraishi. That’s what she said her name was.” his father uttered her name as he saw the look of confusion in his eyes — as if it wasn’t obvious enough._

He knows that he mentions it in passing when they were still friends — lets her know when he takes his leave, but he certainly never did ask her to. Why would she do that? They weren’t even together anymore last year, so why would she? Why would she go all through that trouble.

_“She went here every year while you were gone, even on your grandma’s death day. So I thought she’d be here with you now, like she said she would when I last saw her.”_

The revelation that she had been going there for years without his knowledge was something incomprehensible to Aizawa. The thought lingered in his head so much that he couldn’t sleep. No matter how he tossed and turned, he couldn’t sleep at all. In solitude, which has always been thought of a comfort to him became something he now refuses to be consumed by.

“What the hell?” he utters to himself.

 

* * *

_“Megumi Shiraishi. That’s what she said her name was.”_

It was busy in Lifesaving today. Four people have been rushed to Emergency from a car accident this morning. Aizawa and Shiraishi worked on the most critical patient there, being the one on the passenger’s seat up front.

“I’ll back you up, do what you need to do.” Shiraishi says as she could feel him hesitate.

Aizawa had these thoughts lingering in him since this morning. However, when their eyes focused so on each other, it’s like the world melted away.

“I’ll perform a thoractomy,” he declares, "scalpel,"

The thing with the both of them is that despite their setbacks on their personal lives, it seems like whenever Aizawa and Shiraishi work on something together, you could never feel that they ever had a problem going on between them. Everyone in the room may be thinking in panic, but not them. They seem to have the ideal working relationship that everyone aspires. How Aizawa and Shiraishi worked individually as well as a duo, brings Lifesaving to a calmness and serenity the room needs in otherwise chaotic situations — a presence which everyone in the room felt even if they themselves forgot the rest of the world.

A sigh of relief escapes them both as it was declared that their patient was stable and they cleaned up in silence, avoiding each others glances.

“Megumi!”

Megumi? A voice calls out to her from the emergency door from a man Aizawa does not recognise. But from the reaction Shiraishi had given, he thought that it was someone he should know. The thoughts come back to him now, wanting to be entertained.

“Yoichi,” his name escapes her.

 

* * *

“I found out who he is,”

Aizawa and Shinkai were heading back to the Neurosurgery department to plan a course of action for one of their patients when Fujikawa runs into them.

“Who are we talking about?” Shinkai asks,

_Oh here we go._ Why did Fujikawa have to bring this up at this time?

“Who Shiraishi’s mystery man is,” Fujikawa teases,

Why did he have to bring it up when he was with Shinkai?

“Whoever that is, is definitely no match for Aizawa,” Shinkai joins in the banter, with a sly look on his face, “so who is it?”

He thought that clarifying the situation between him and Shiraishi would help with the teasing — clearly it didn’t. Aizawa thought that remarks like this never failed to annoy him — especially coming from these two, of all people. At this moment, Aizawa really questions his taste in friends. However absurd the situation he is in now, in the back of his mind, Aizawa wanted to know.

“Dr. Yoichi Kono.”

“We’ll you’re on your own.” Shinkai says with no hesitation.

“Huh? Why? What do you mean by that?” Fujikawa asks,

Aizawa is more curious than ever now.

“Kono is a top Paediatric surgeon — he’s well known in those circles. It also doesn’t help that likehis father, he’s a famous professor in Meiho. They know each other for quite a long time now.”

“How do you know that?”

“A University buddy of mine works there,” Shinkai reveals, “and from what Shiraishi has told me.”

 

* * *

 

“Here,” Shiraishi hands him a can of coffee,

“Thank you,” he says as he opens it up.

She sits next to him at the bench, like how they would when they were on a break in between classes in Meiho— watching different kinds of people walk pass them, savouring the few minutes of solitude before playing into havoc.

“What are you doing here, Yoichi?” she asks him,

“I’m here for you, of course.” he says playfully.

She doesn’t know why she’s uneasy around him, when he’s practically no stranger to her. He bumps his arms to hers as if to bring her back.

“I was asked to observe an operation in your hospital’s Paediatric department,” he sips from his drink, “and I wanted to see what you saw in Shoyo.”

“You could’ve told me,”

“Yes,” he says, then directly looks her in the eye, “but I wouldn’t be able to see what I needed to see if I did.”

Shiraishi’s blood rises again to her ears. It’s like she’s been caught doing something that she shouldn’t — and one person who shouldn’t find out is the one who catches her red handed.

“I was going to introduce myself, but you dragged me out of there before I even could.”

“Sorry,”

He rests his hand on her knee, patting it in a slow but steady rhythm — like he was telling her that it was alright. That she really didn’t need to say anything else.

“It’s really been a year now, huh?” he sighs, “Are you doing alright?”

At the corner of her eye, she could see Yoichi’s eyes turn quite glass-like as he uttered those words— he didn’t pry any further.

“Megumi,” he says gently, “just do what you have to do, okay?”

For the times she’s always lost and floating inside her head, he just comes helping her come back down again. Maybe it’s because he’s known her for so long — he really was so patient.

“The offer still stands,” Yoichi says in conviction.

 

* * *

As he left the Neurosurgery office, he walked aimlessly around the hospital for awhile, letting his thoughts consume him.

_“I don’t know what you’re thinking but if I’m assuming correctly — I would tell you to make up your mind before it’s too late,” Shinkai tells him in his confidence, “because you never forget who came with a torch in the dark.”_

He spots Shiraishi walking alongside Kono — his eyes stayed on them for longer that it should have. Who is he? All he knew about him was from the conversation earlier. Aizawa thought of going up to them and introduce himself — but what for? What would he introduce himself as? Her colleague? Her friend? Her former boyfriend was simply out of the question — absurd. Did he really need to do that? Who really was he in her life? Did he want to know? Ultimately, he just decided against it and waited for the elevator lift to come. To her, he wasn’t someone close anymore.

He immediately holds the elevator door as he sees someone rushing to catch up, as the figure got closer, he realises it’s Shiraishi rushing towards him.

“Thank you for holding,” Shiraishi says as the door closed.

As she catches her breath, Aizawa could not help but glance at her neck as she moved her hair back —but immediately shaking of those thoughts. He needed to stop doing that.

“How was going back there?” she asks.

“The wind was really cold there this year,” he says, “but I think you already know that — since you’ve been going for me all these years.”

The fact that he said it so casually surprised the both of them. Shiraishi seemed rather flustered with his revelation that he knew what she did — which Aizawa had a feeling that she didn’t want him to know what she did. Even so, the act softened Aizawa — and he was going to make sure he was going to properly thank her for it.

“I think my mother would’ve liked you.” he adds, “I would say the same about my grandma, but you already know that she likes you.”

“I do miss your grandmother,” she reminisces, her demeanour relaxing.

“Thank you for the last few years, really.” he says as he left the elevator — a bittersweetness lingering in the air.

Is it really okay to leave it that? Aizawa realises in the few steps that it wasn’t. He wasn’t going to leave it at that, he wasn’t going to. 

But before the elevator door closes, he halts it with his hand — holding it from being shut. Shiraishi couldn’t help but be startled by the action. He doesn’t look back, for a moment, he just stands there. Did he hurt himself from doing that?

“Come on grandma’s death day this year,” he says before releasing his grip, “come with me.”


	6. Chapter 6

_Come with me._

Those few words lingered in Shiraishi’s mind the past few days. So much that she becomes too distracted at times — too much for her own liking. This time she didn’t even notice Aizawa and Shinkai walk into the elevator.

“Megumi-san,” Shinkai says, “are you alright? You seemed to be preoccupied with something,”

She could see from the corner of her eye that Aizawa’s been clenching his teeth. Is he alright?

“Oh, it’s nothing,” Shiraishi recovers, “I’m just thinking about the presentation in a few days,”

“You mean the one with Toronto?”

“Yes,” but she clarifies, “not Toronto Medical University, but it’s their affiliate hospital for Paediatrics specifically.”

“Is that why Kono-sensei was here?”

“Partly, but he’ll just be in the presentation remotely from Meiho,” she answers, “would you be there Shinkai-kun?”

Before Shinkai could answer, Aizawa cleared his throat so audibly that it gave both Shinkai and her a shock — but for some reason it brings Shinkai smiling. She glances at Aizawa, who seems to look a little gaunt— maybe he is ill.

“Ah, yes,” Shinkai replies, “part of the presentation will be demonstrated by the Paediatric Neuro-oncology program.”

“Right,”

“Will Aizawa be able to come? I’d love to have him alongside.”

Shiraishi simply looked at Shinkai and smiled, she silently thanked the gods for intervening — the elevator sound went off indicating the change of floors, which conveniently was hers.

 

* * *

_“Why?” the young man broke in tears, “Why me? I ate right. I exercised daily. I don’t have any vices. Why? I need an explanation.”_

Aizawa and Yokomine arrives in the staff station, with the latter clearly shaken. A young man about her age, was admitted earlier for having difficulty breathing. Something thought as a bad infection turned out to be at the latter stages of Lung Cancer. As Yokomine sat down, Natori strikes up a conversation with her as he handed her one of the files.

“Poor guy,” Yokomine comments, “I wish I could give him an explanation,”

“How was your patient?” Natori asks, “the one with the Lung Cancer.”

“Setoguchi-san,” Aizawa cuts in.

“Huh?”

“It’s Setoguchi-san,” Aizawa sighs, “and sometimes, you just don’t get an explanation — as much as you think you deserve it.”

Yokomine bows at his direction which perplexes Aizawa, but he soon realises that the gesture wasn’t made for him.

“Shiraishi-sensei,”

A nurse calls out to her from the far side of the room. She walks past him without even giving him a second glance.

 

* * *

_“I’m not here to change your mind,”_

_They just stand there for a moment, taking each other in. Then Aizawa comes closer and kisses her aggressively— slowly turning into something so passionate, soft. As they pull apart, he walks away. Shiraishi just stands there, stunned, begging for him to take one more look. As much as his heart wants to, he doesn’t._

Though what he had said earlier wasn’t directed at her, it brought her into thinking about the day they broke up. Him showing up to the airport before she departed — but instead of fighting, he just concedes. She never knew why. But that’s because she’s the one who broke up with him, no explanation. She didn’t deserve an explanation — but Aizawa deserved one. He really did.

As she sat there, she savoured the few moments of her own solitude — solitudes are becoming all the more precious but at the same time, it’s value slowly decreasing. Subsequently, she hears the hospital doors opening — but she doesn’t look, she didn’t need to. Call it intuition, but Shiraishi at the back of her mind believes it to be more of wishful thinking.

“Distance,” she says as she finally glances to her side where Aizawa stood, “it was distance.”

The distance between them initially was not an excuse. They tried, tried really hard to overcome it. As time went on, even if you argue that if you want to do something, you can find a way to do so — it’s easier said than done. Considering the means of travel costs and the freedom of schedule in the middle of them or the lack thereof — distance, arguably, becomes an obstacle.

But that wasn’t it. That wasn’t it at all.

“I suspected it to be the distance, but I know that isn’t it.” he adds.

Clever. That’s what she gets for dating a clever man. Nothing really gets past him. But it was distance, just not in a way that he expects. She hesitates as she thought that this was something that she would’ve kept to herself — but only for a moment.

“Do you remember that day we went out with your colleagues in Toronto?” she says, dropping her eyes as she thought back to that day.

_“You know, we never thought he had a girlfriend back in Japan.” Matt said as Aizawa left to go to the restroom._

_“Yeah,” Claire chuckles, “until one of the interns hit on him — that rejection was brutal.”_

_Shiraishi could imagine. The thought amuses her but at the same time, she couldn’t help but feel for whoever it was. Aizawa did have a sharp tongue after all — even in English._

_“How long have you been together?”_

_“Around 2 years, but we’ve known each other for more than 10.” Shiraishi obliged._

_“Wow, way to play the long game. No wonder he rejected the post.” Nelson added,_

_“What do you mean by that?” Matt asked,_

_“He was offered the research post, but he rejected it. We’re still giving him time to consider it.”_

_“You mean he rejected Steiner? Damn, he was the chosen one.”_

_“Why?” Claire asked, dumbfounded._

_“Because it would keep him here for another year, that’s what he said.”_

_“Like that’s a bad thing,”_

_“Yes, but that’s one more year away from her,”_

_When she heard the revelation, her eyes just started to retreat._

_“That’s so romantic,” Claire gushed, “didn’t know he had it in him.”_

_For some, probably. Some loved that idea of grandeur — that their partners would give up something for the sole reason of love. But for Shiraishi, she didn’t want it. She didn’t want it at all._

“After that, I just didn’t recognise you anymore.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Aizawa says after awhile.

“Because I didn’t want to hurt you,”

“Even if it did, you still should’ve,” he says, “Megumi, I—”

“Ko—”

“Just give me a moment,” he says in haste, squeezing the in-betweens of his eyebrows, “I don’t want to say anything unnecessary.”

Why? She expected him to blow out and strike that sharp tongue at her like he would. But he doesn’t. He could see his jaw tighten, as if resisting — trying to supress the anger within. He didn’t have to. She deserves it. Why won’t he let her hear him lose his temper? Why is he still trying to be gentle with her?

“You don’t have to forgive me, Kosaku” she says as she stands and walks away, “I just didn’t want you to come back here feeling less than whole.”


	7. Chapter 7

He could really hate her. He really could.

_“I don’t want you to stay behind out of pity for me. If I take your career away from you now, then I wouldn’t be able to face you anymore Aizawa-sensei. So even if we’re not far apart, the distance between us will grow, and I’d hate for our relationship to turn out that way. Have you always been this way, Aizawa-sensei? You were different 9 years ago. You wanted to be the best doctor among anyone else. You didn’t care about getting into conflicts with others just for that. That’s what we admired most about you. I don’t want you to pin the blame on something and choose the easy path. Aizawa-sensei, even if you’re not around we’ll be able to get by. No, your absence will make us stronger. I’m sure it’s the same for Kanade-san. I believe you should go to Toronto.”_

She was always like this, Aizawa thought, thinking about others more than herself — but when people would do the same for her, she highly discouraged it. That’s just who she was.

_"You shouldn't give up your dreams for me, Aizawa!" she retorted before he could even finish._

Shiraishi left him alone to think that day. She probably felt his anger, his frustration — but all of those were not directed at her. He’s hurt. Yes, but he’s hurt that because he didn’t realise what he had done. Is he angry at her? No. Annoyed, surely — but he believes he’s more angry with himself for not realising any sooner.

_“After that, I just didn’t recognise you anymore.”_

She rather have him regret their relationship instead, enduring the pain alone just so that he could place his energy to something that would have been valuable —it was.

_“Kosaku,” she says nonchalantly, “I think we should break up.”_

He finally understood her logic, her suffering. The guilt creeping in because he always ends up doing the wrong thing.

_“You don’t have to forgive me, Kosaku” she said as she stood and walked away, “I just didn’t want you to come back here feeling less than whole.”_

Forgiveness? What is there to forgive when all she ever did was push him to become better? He thought that it was him who should be making amends — so that they could both be whole again.

He could hate her. He really could.

“You idiot,” he says throwing these words into the wind, he wasn’t sure anymore if he directed it to her or simply just to himself.

He could hate her, but he just could not bring himself to it.

 

* * *

Shiraishi was available to join Lifesaving for their morning staff meeting. She thought she might as well, since she had the time to do so. It’s nice to still be in the loop of things even if you wouldn’t be around for the day. 

“Shiraishi-sensei will be at the presentation with Toronto Children’s Hospital for today, so she will not be available for consultation,” Tachibana-sensei announces at the end of the briefing, “please direct your concerns to her deputy — Aizawa-sensei.”

“Since when?” Fujikawa questions in a joking manner — clearly pretending to be offended.

All this time Fujikawa was handling the Staff Leader position when Shiraishi wasn’t around — especially when she did her lectures in Meiho. But when Aizawa came back, she considered turning over Fujikawa’s duties as her second-in-command to him. Fujikawa’s been busier since the birth of his second child and had expressed his desire to be a much more hands on father and a better husband to Saejima. She noticed her colleague’s struggles before he even admitted it. So when Fujikawa suggested the change, she immediately accepted it.

The only person she didn’t ask about this change was actually the person in question — Aizawa. Which explained why he looked so confused at the end of the meeting.

With the meeting dismissed, the members of the staff started to disperse away from the room — but without expressing their support and their hope for their Staff Leader’s presentation in the afternoon. Shiraishi appreciated that immensely.

She catches Aizawa’s eyes directed at her, staying put to where he sat earlier — simply waiting for his turn. He probably wanted an explanation.

“Why me?” Aizawa asks as soon as they were alone in the room.

“Fujikawa suggested it and I agreed.”

“Are you sure?”

She realises that after that debacle they pulled a few days ago still lingered within him. He must think that it has anything to do with their professional life. She knows he can definitely separate the two, but she understands the need for validation — emotional conflicts could happen.

“Aizawa-sensei,” she sighs, “it’s simple. You’re good at what you do, even with your sharp tongue. I don’t see why you can’t be my second-in-command when I fully believe you’re more worthy of being staff leader than I am.”

She checks her watch and realises that she has to be in the presentation hall in a few minutes. Without saying anything, she just bows and takes her leave. She hesitates as she turns the knob.

“Despite everything,” she says without turning back at him, “Kosaku, I still trust you.”

“Megumi,”

Before she could step out, he calls out to her. He calls her by her name. Which stops her at her stride.

“Hm?” she now looks back at him, closing the door again.

“I’ll take care of everything here.”

 

* * *

“Shiraishi-sensei,” a member of the staff greets her, “we go live in 15 minutes,”

She recieves a voice message from Yoichi, who’s remotely at the presentation in Meiho. She might as well listen to it as encouragement — as if she needed more of it.

> _Megumi, good luck. Not that you need it. You’ve always beaten me so I guess this will just be like always — except we’re not competing. What I’m trying to say is that this will just be a breeze for you. Show them how much you’ve grown._

“Shiraishi-sensei,”

“Right,” she takes a deep breath and struts into the presentation floor, brimming with confidence.

 

* * *

“Aizawa,”

He hears Shinkai call him out as he was checking up the patients at HCU. Aizawa now curious as he thought Shinkai looked a little troubled. As soon as Aizawa gotten close enough, Shinkai pulled him aside to a much more secluded area.

“Can you check on Shiraishi?” he finally says,

“What?”

“Something happened there and now I can’t find her,”

“Wait,”

Initially, he really thought that Shinkai was playing games with him again.

"She looked fine and she handled it really well, but something tells me she isn't alright. She said she needed to step out for a moment but I —“

However, the look in Shinkai’s face tells him he’s serious. He puts his hand on Shinkai's shoulder as if to calm him down.

“Shinkai, what happened?”

 

* * *

She could hear her phone rattling inside her pockets. It must be Yoichi. He must have seen what happened. She could’ve answered the phone and tell him to not worry, that she’s alright — like how she assured the rest of those present. But she couldn’t do that — not to him. So she just decides to ignore it completely — throwing her jacket away across the spare stretcher she sat on.

_“Well, you did well for your first day,” Yoichi handed her lecture notes back to her,_

_“Did well? I lost composure because one student kept pushing his case on me,” Shiraishi said her thoughts aloud, “I should have stayed in Shoyo if I knew it was just going to be like this,”_

_Shiraishi taught lectures from time to time in Shohoku, so she thought this would be quite similar. It wasn’t. The moment she started her lecture, she didn’t expect it to be so heated, so lively, so challenging on the get go. It got to the point after an hour and a half of being in there made you feel like you went through the Hakone Ekiden and back. Meiho Medical University was prestigious, alright._

_“Why did you leave Shoyo then, Megumi?” Yoichi asked, “Didn’t you love it there?”_

The sound of the storage room door opening severed her daze. As she looked up, she realised Aizawa was already directly above her — looking as if apologising for disturbing her solitude.

“Hey,” Shiraishi says softly, acknowledging him.

“Shinkai told me what happened,” Aizawa sighs, “are you alright?”

It didn’t really bother Shiraishi to acknowledge her past mistakes. On the contrary, she’s quite open about them — but it was the way it was brought up is what got to her. Though it’s been a thing of the past and Shiraishi has spent her entire career making amends, she could not lie to you and tell you that it wasn’t a touchy subject for her.

“No, apparently I’m not fit to be a doctor.” she wipes the tear from her eyes, “That I’m going to be nothing but someone who ruined Kuroda-sensei’s career.”

The way that woman in the presentation floor exposed it like it was scandal — something done out of spite. It just shook her to the core because it was someone she did not know — and that bothered her.

She probably deserved it after all that she’s done in the past —a reminder of an unendingatonement.

“Shiraishi,” he places his hand on her shoulder in empathy, “I don’t know if you want to hear this from me,”

He bends down so that he could look directly into her eyes. Shiraishi couldn’t help but look away from them.

“Shiraishi,” he says her name again to grab her attention,

She slowly looks into his eyes, slowly, carefully — his eyes full of worry, soft even. Why is he being so nice?

“You aren’t what they said,”

The tears started welling up in her eyes, as soon as they fell down her face, Aizawa immediately wipes them away. Why is he being so gentle?

“You’re more,” he pats her shoulder so tenderly, “more than that.”

She did not know why but she brought him in to an embrace. As she held on tighter, closer, she allowed herself to her sudden thoughts of the past.

_“Your landlady Melody is nice,” Shiraishi said as she sat next to him as he laid there on the mattress, “and her husband too.”_

_She just encountered Aizawa’s landlady and her husband as she stepped out of his apartment to take out the trash. She decided to share with Aizawa what she had seen._

_“They were going on some sort of dialogue between them, like those in the theatre — it was very cute.”_

_“What about it was cute?”_

_“Her husband was like: Darling, oh how I love you — Then she was like: How so? — Then he was like: To the Moon and back! Oh Darling! I love you to the moon and back — and then —“_

_Before she could finish, Shiraishi noticed Aizawa smile as she told the story. She couldn’t blame him though— she was so into reenacting what she saw she probably looked ridiculous. It was also in English so she wasn’t sure she was doing them any justice. But she didn’t care. It was nice that she could make Aizawa feel what she had felt when she saw it._

_“And then?” Aizawa said as he tried to stop his laughter._

_“Then, they saw me,” she said, her smile beaming, “too bad. I wanted to know how she felt about that.”_

_“About what?” he asked._

_“About her husband loving her to the moon and back.”_

_“Well, what do you think of it?”_

_“I think it’s wonderful and very romantic.” she says as she laid down next to him, “You?”_

_“It’s poetic. I think it’s a nice thing to say to someone.”_

_“Kosaku,”_

_“Hm?”_

_“I love you to the moon and back.”_

_She just looks into his eyes, without saying anything — their eyes just like magnets._

_“You’re supposed to say something, Kosaku,” she hits him playfully, “Do you love me to the moon and back?”_

_“More than that.” he says with no hesitation._

With that embrace, everything, everything that she had ever felt about him returns. She pulls away without opening her eyes, as if refusing to wake up from a dream. She could feel their faces getting closer and closer to each other. He was going along with her movements, she could feel him leaning in towards her as if he wanted to kiss her and she wanted him to — she could feel his breath.

_Doctor Heli, engine start._

They linger there for a second and then he pulls back. She could hear his footsteps getting further and further away. She didn’t really process fully what just happened. Was it just a dream? Was it just something in the moment? Maybe it was. Maybe the thoughts will go away. Maybe.

However, it didn’t leave when she opened her eyes.

_“Why did you leave Shoyo then, Megumi?” Yoichi asks, “Didn’t you love it there?”_

_“It was because I loved it,”_

_There was nothing wrong with Shohoku. There is nothing wrong with Shohoku at all. However, she realised it still lingered around._

_“It was because I loved him.”_


	8. Chapter 8

“Hey,” a familiar voice reverberated through the line,

She crumbled in between her sheets, clutching unto the blankets.

“Megumi?”

“I’m sorry I worried you,” she chokes — trying her best to be less tearful.

“No, I should be the one saying that.”

“Why?”

“Because I c—,”

“I’m alright, I’m fine,” she says, cutting him off.

The phone line turns silent, but she could feel his face sink with what she said. What she said was a little far from the truth, but she’s trying to get there. She sinks in further into her sheets, as if covering herself from the shame. He could feel her lying through the phone. However, he was still there, you could hear his breath through its receiver.

Suddenly the doorbell rings, which prompts Shiraishi to move away from her phone.

“Someone’s at the door. I’ll call you later,” she says as she hung up.

She just drops the call without confirming that they had received what she had said.

“Yoichi,”

He just shook his head and brought her to an embrace.

“Aomori,” she brakes their embrace and faces him, “Aren’t you supposed to be in Aomori?”

_He was just on the phone. How?_

“Luckily, I made it on time for the last train,” he then raises a paper bag from a bakery Shiraishi has come to recognise, “I also got the last one.”

“Yoichi,”

“Hm?”

“Yoichi, why?”

“Because when you’re sad, you had two, no, three options — you always go to the bakery by the station and buy their best selling melon pan but if they sold out, you let yourself have a few moments of solitude at the park near your house; but for the most part, you always did both somehow.”

“Yoichi, I—”

“Then when you’ve had enough of being alone, you’d call me by my window — I’d let you in and we’d just lie there in silence.”

_How does he know?_

“Do you want to have it now or you want to save it for later?”

“I—” she stammers, “I want to lie down.”

“Do you want me lie down next to you?”

As they lay down on her mattress, staring at the ceiling. He begins to tell her of the woman from the conference, how she was his former student — someone so brilliant yet destroyed herself in her infatuations. He explains his personal conflict with the matter, like good professors would have and Shiraishi understood. She didn’t want to press anything against the woman — she hurt her ego, but physically she was fine. She didn’t want to ruin someone’s future — so they both agreed on just leaving it up to Meiho to investigate and decide an appropriate action.

“Megumi,”

“What?”

“Be honest with yourself, you know?” he looks at her, “you owe yourself that much.”

She just nods her head. She should just be honest with how she feels. He could really see right though her.

“Promise me you’ll think about it. That you’ll _really_ think about it. I don’t want you to regret.”

_When Shiraishi landed in Japan, there was nothing in her mind — she was numb. She slept, for what she knows is longer than she should and like that the moment just passed. For the first few days she operated on autopilot, but making sure that people did not notice her internal distress— careful in her movements. She thought it would get easier as the days past by, that’s what they always say in films — but it wasn’t._

_So she went home, to Aomori, to regroup, at least for a few days— like she did when she was lost years ago. As she step out of the station, she did not expect to meet someone from a distant past._

_“Megumi,” he beamed at her._

_Suddenly, that smile seemed like the light she was looking after waiting in the dark for so long._

 

* * *

Yoichi accompanied Shiraishi on the way to Shohoku the next day. Though mainly he was there to keep her company, he also took on the opportunity to look into the incident. He felt responsible after all, even if he was never really directly involved. Shiraishi understood that. It was very like him, very like him to do so.

As they walk into the Hospital entrance, they walk into Aizawa, who was about to clock into work as well.

“Hello,” she says softy,

She didn’t know why but she felt so overly exposed. Aizawa looks to Yoichi, then to her — as if waiting for her to introduce them.

“You must be Kosaku Aizawa, yes?” Yoichi initiates the introduction, “I’ve heard so much about you, actually. I’m Yoichi Kono.”

Yoichi must have felt her state of flusteredness from the random encounter.

“Nice to meet you,” Aizawa says, taking up Yoichi’s handshake.

“I read your work with Steiner,” Yoichi brings up, “fantastic, well-rounded research.”

Aizawa was undeniably civil with Yoichi and answered his queries from his research. He wasn’t the type to engage himself in small talk but for some reason he and Yoichi clicked — which surprised Shiraishi.

Aizawa, initially at least, thought he was rather odd or at least trying to pick a fight with him. However, Yoichi brought up things that could only be brought up if he actually read the material. Throughout their conversation, Aizawa glances at Shiraishi every now and again, subtly, secretly, as if avoiding her gaze — realising that this man, this man is considered somewhat close to her —he didn’t think Shiraishi would have poor taste if Yoichi was somewhat detestable.

_So this is him._ Aizawa now looked at him, like genuinely looked at him this time, as they continued on with their conversation. Strangely, he didn’t feel an ounce of annoyance to him nor did he feel the need to find something to berate him for — he actually felt more defeatist than usual. If he’s what Aizawa thinks he is, then he is at least at peace with her choices. But that didn’t mean he wasn’t going to put up a fight until the end — that just isn’t his style.

After a few exchanges, Aizawa excused himself and went on his way, he probably felt the uneasiness she felt around the both of them.

“I understand now, Megumi,” Yoichi said as they watched him disappear from view.

“Huh?”

“Nothing,” he says with a smile, “let’s go?”

 

* * *

“What would you do if you were me?”

“I think I would tell people things while I could, so that if I forget, at least they would remember for me.”

“Who would you tell them to?”

“Hmm, probably my boyfriend — he’s pretty smart and doesn’t forget anything.” the nurse says, chuckling in between her doting on her patient.

Aizawa couldn’t help but overhear the conversation as he check on her records between the nurse, and Enomoto-san, an elderly woman who had been admitted for dementia but is being observed for early onset Alzheimer’s.

“Sensei,” Enomoto-san asks him, “do you have a girlfriend?”

Girlfriend. He didn’t know if the world was taunting him today or playing some sort of game on him but there was something about today that was constantly reminding him that he didn’t have one. Genuinely, he really didn’t want to entertain the question — it wasn’t necessary to air out a Doctor’s personal life. However, he must admit his soft spot for the elderly and she seemed just genuinely curious and not the prying type. So, he simply shakes his head in response.

“Sensei,” she sighs, “you just need some nice girl to rescue you.”

There’s only ever been the one — and she wasn’t even that nice.

 

* * *

“Are you doing alright?” he says as he hands her a can of coffee, she takes it.

They never really got to talk after what happened yesterday. But they were here alone, where they usually were. Aizawa never realised why they would always know where the other was— he leans into the railings next to her.

“You’re not mad at me?” she says softly.

“Why would I be?”

“I don’t know,” she starts to fiddle with her fingers, “after I told you the shallow reason we broke up — and then yesterda—”

Right, she was like that — dwelling. If she had explanations, he too had some things to say to her. He realised if he doesn’t talk about it, those words would just be misplaced and will never reach her in the end.

“That day, I contemplated getting on a plane,go back to Japan and just be with you — but I didn’t because you had asked me not to,” he broke the silence between them, “Megumi, I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that I didn’t feel angry when I found out.”

He faces her now, in the name of being honest. He doesn’t know what will this achieve nor if this is what he really wanted to do — but in the moment, all he knew is that he cared. He cared enough for her to pour out all the feelings to the person important to him. She was still important to him. It was important it would reach her.

“But none of that was for you, I was more angry with myself. I was angry that I didn’t realise it sooner. Just because you’re the one who initiated the breakup doesn’t mean you didn’t feel any pain. You gave it your all too, didn’t you?”

_I guess that’s it, that’s all I could do for her. I guess that’s it, I still love you. I still love you, Megumi. Until now, until tomorrow. I hope when I wake the next day, the “I love you” would turn out to be “loved”— one can only hope. But that doesn’t happen, because you’re still behind my eyelids when I do close them._

These thoughts would be what he would have said, at least partly. But he’d never say it, he was a coward after all.

“Megumi, thank you for loving me — I wish I could’ve said it before the end.” he says instead, hoping it was enough — walking away, counting every step.

 

* * *

_“I’m not here to change your mind,”_

_On the plane ride home, in her own solitude, she forgot all composure and let herself cry uncontrollably, silently — to let herself feel it all, Aizawa’s words lingering around her._

_She and Aizawa had a long run. They kept running hearing the sirens coming and ever so slowly, they just ran into each others arms. From an outsider’s view, it seemed inevitable as for the most part of their relationship, they weren’t physically together — they weren’t even talking every day, they wouldn’t even be able to meet each other because of the time difference._

_She wondered herself how were they able to put up with it. Aizawa wasn’t even the type to do such grand gestures wherein you’d never forget. But there was something his smallest gestures — those small gestures had the biggest impact on her. She doesn’t really remember when Aizawa had blown her mind or if he really made a gesture large enough for a picturesque moment if she was being honest. However, she remembers the first time she came to Toronto. They didn’t even do anything, but Shiraishi couldn’t sleep and they just stayed up all night lying down. She remembers the first time he held her hand in the cold winter. She remembers the first time she heard him laugh uncontrollably. She remembers the time he ran after her when Kuroda-sensei berated her when she was still a young fellow. Not exactly remembering in vivid detail what she said, what he said, but she remembers how warm his hand felt against her shoulders under the pouring rain — and they weren’t even together then._

_She let herself feel everything, even the smallest of moments — thinking it would be the last time. But only time will only tell if she will be able to forget._

 

* * *

“Shiraishi-sensei,” 

A nurse calls on her as she arrived at the staff station. She was about to head home for the day when she remembered that she had come with Yoichi. She wondered if he had been waiting for her since he didn’t really inform her that he was going — he wasn’t the type to leave without saying goodbye.

“Kono-sensei asked around for you but you were in surgery at that time,” the nurse informs her “he told me to inform you that he had urgent matters to attend to. I’m sorry for not telling you.”

She immediately looked for her phone. Yoichi would never leave without saying anything. She was right though, as soon as her phone’s screen lit up, it had a notification from him.

> _I’m sorry to leave without saying goodbye. But Megumi, like I said last night. I don’t want you to regret._

“What time did he leave?”

“I’d say less than an hour. Shiraishi-sensei, I’m really sorry”

“No, It’s alright,”

If she looked into the future, did she really see this man, that she thinks she’s fallen for?

“Yoichi,” she says under her breath.

Feeling the urge to walk— no run. She felt the urge to run and she wasn’t going to stop anytime soon, but not before making a call while doing so.


	9. Chapter 9

_“What would you have liked?”_

_“Well,”_

_Shiraishi took her time to give him an answer. For some reason, she wanted to answer it seriously._

_“I don’t really want a big house, because I grew up in one — it’s not really fun if you don’t have any siblings to play with. So, something not too big, not too small. Maybe a garden would be nice to have. I think if I had the free time, I would just sit there and take it in, smelling the flowers in between. I’m not really iffy with design either, as long as it feels like home—”_

_She stopped in the middle of her spiel as she noticed Aizawa smiling at her. The sight caused her to come to a state of flusteredness— the blood rushes into her face leaving her a little bit redder than usual._

_“Well, go on” Aizawa urged her to continue,_

_“Well,” she reached out for his hand, intertwining it with hers, “I think it should be near the hospital too, don’t you think?”_

_“Sure,” he said humouring her,_

_“But it wouldn’t be complete without you in it. It won’t feel like home if it isn’t with you. If it isn’t you.”_

_Shiraishi then leaned her head against his shoulder — tightening her hold on him more, keeping herself closer to him._

_“Wouldn’t that be nice?” she said,_

He allows himself to be taken away by those thoughts as he sat outside of the tiny garden of his new house. He did not know why he had bought a house initially. He didn’t have any family he would want to share this with — he didn’t have anyone waiting for him. He wasn’t married. He wasn’t sure what prompted him to do so but even before he landed in Japan, he kept a correspondence with a realtor — and a few months later, he was signing papers to this place and a little bit later he was moving — with a few of the friends he had, the little he owned, into this modest house.

“Wouldn’t it be nice?” he says to himself.

There were a lot of things that were needed to be accomplished, to unpack, to unravel — he just needed a break from it for awhile. In these little hours of the night, the house suddenly came alive — it’s doorbell started to ring. As he opens the door, the sight of who it was sent a jolt all over his body—as if electric.

 

* * *

“Where’d you get my new address?”

“Shinkai-kun,” Shiraishi says as she enters the abode, “he helped you move in last week, right?”

He doesn’t know if he wants to thank Shinkai or clobber him. He really doesn’t know — Shinkai does seem to walk, no, swagger — he definitely swaggers that fine line in between ever so often.

“I’m so sorry to intrude,” she says as she realises that the rest of his house is still stacked with different boxes. “No, it — I—”

“Megumi,”

“I just started walking, no, running and then I—”

There she was again, over explaining herself again. It was just very endearing to him now.

“Yes, I know,” he says, “I know.”

 _Yes, I know you._ He could feel her conflicts within her — her hands fiddling with the fabrics of her blouse. He has to remove that uneasiness that she was feeling. The silence settled strangely now.

“You want to help me unpack my books?” he asks after awhile.

He guides her to his house’s study and shows her how he planned to organised everything. They cleared up in silence, boxes slowly depleting one by one. As she opened the next box, Shiraishi changed colour, the emotion lingered around that even Aizawa noticed that she stopped moving.

“Why?” she whispers,

At first, Aizawa doesn’t realise why but as he looks closely he realises why Shiraishi painted the feeling of distress all over her face.

_“Ta Da!” she exclaimed, presenting him a notebook before she entered the security gate._

_“What is it, Megumi?” he says as he examines the designs of the front cover, decorated quite simply but a picture of them both adorned its centre._

_“There was a time I just felt lonely but I knew I couldn’t talk to you, because you told me you were attending a weeklong conference,” she elaborated, “so I wrote it down, mostly for myself — then I just started to do them frequently when I had the free time. I wrote anything really, it’s just a bunch random thoughts and—”_

_Shiraishi stop mid-sentence, the words coming out of her mouth felt ridiculous. She felt like she was in middle school again — fiddling with her fingers. But Aizawa just stood there smiling at her, sweetly, just waiting for her to continue on like he always did._

_“I—I thought you’d feel the same way I did when I wasn’t available to talk. So I’m giving it to you, you know, to keep you company — for the times you think of me.”_

_Shiraishi never failed to surprised him. What did he do to deserve this kind of love? What could he could give her? If he could get the moon, he’ll come down and give it to her. But he knows, he knows she wouldn’t want that._

_“I’ll carry you home,” he brings the notebook closer to his chest._

_He went home to his apartment in Toronto and thought of her too — reading every single word she had written down having no idea that it would be reread time and time again._

“Megumi, like I said before, even with what I know now — I do not regret our relationship. Does the memory of us become nothing — mean nothing, because we’re not together anymore? I don’t think the times we shared together would cease to exist just because we ended — they meant everything to me. They still do.” he reaches out his hand to her as if asking for it back,

“Well, you moved on — I moved on, it is what it is.” she hands it to him, avoiding his gaze.

Though she said it, she knows she said it, she couldn’t help but feel it — a feeling of sickness. She felt an immense pain in her chest from hearing the words right out of her mouth.

As Shiraishi said those words, Aizawa couldn’t hide his emotions from his face — he couldn’t hide his emotions like he used to when it came to her. He was not going to beat around the bush anymore — he was not going to remain in his shame.

“Megumi,” he puts down the notebook on the desk,

“Hm?”

“Don’t you think you’re putting words in my mouth?” he says, annoyed.

“What?”

“Megumi,” he sighs, “I never had any intention of moving on.”

As she looks at him, she felt a gentleness in his eyes that she wondered why she was so afraid to look at them. They finally realised that they loved each other so much but at the time they just couldn’t because of their own choices. But that was it, they still loved each other. After all this time, after time apart—a constant display of denial from both fronts. But denying, denying it doesn’t change things.

“That explains why — why you never,” she laughs at herself, trying to fight the tears building up from within, “you never quite left me alone.”

Then Aizawa walks up to her and kisses her impulsively. He felt Shiraishi’s entire body just freeze as his lips collided with hers. Slowly, she melts into his touch. She answers him by kissing him more — kisses him as if everything hurts, and it did. It hurts that she feels his love even after all that they’ve been through. It hurts being loved by him, but he was the only thing that made it feel better — and he let her. His hands slowly getting their way into her hair. He leans over her touch as she places her hands against him — leans over her like he craves it.

They spoke with their eyes, pulling each other in each other’s reverie — threading a fine line between pleasure and agony. Their hands all over each other, feeling every inch of their bodies. Aizawa ran his hands slowly to the smalls of her back — burning from the slightest touch of her skin. She savoured the warmth of every touch, kiss and it lingered more than normal. It was rough, gentle, and it was making them both lose their minds. They started speaking a language incomprehensible to everyone else— a state of uttermost solitude. None of them could form any coherent thought, but at the moment — they don’t really care.

She saw the moon shining on Aizawa’s face as he slept that night and wondered if it would be as beautiful in the morning. She thought that it would, as he always shined brighter than the sun. The sun. He was the sun. She was the moon. He was her sun and she was his moon — without him, she would never shine so bright.

If this was a dream, she wished to stay asleep.

 

* * *

“I have a meeting,” she whispers into his ear as she got out of bed, “actually a couple of meetings,”

“Ah,”

Aizawa wasn’t quite awake when she said that, but he understood it well. Even if he wanted her to stay in, she was still Megumi Shiraishi. But he wanted to make sure that he was going to wait for her, that he wasn’t going anywhere, that he was hers wholly. So before she could get out of bed — he drags her in one more time and kisses her softly.

 _It really is much better in the morning._ She pushes away the hair on his face and just stared at him for a moment, as if taking a photograph.

“What am I going to do with you?” she says as she leaves him with one more kiss before she went on her way.

There were things that she needed to do — still needed to do. As she put on each and every article of clothing back to her body, all she could feel, all she could remember are the times he held her there. Even if she just wanted to bask in and stay there with him —it didn’t change the fact she had a full morning filled with meetings. She wasn’t the type to be irresponsible.

“Yoichi,” she breaths out, inaudible to everyone around her.

She was handed out a brief of one of Yoichi’s research papers in one of her meetings that morning. Which she couldn’t help but think about a distant memory between them.

_“Yoichi,” she said remorsefully, “I used you.”_

_“We used each other,” Yoichi corrected her and just laughs._

_She remembers when she was so much younger, Yoichi was someone she considers a great love. There was nothing ill, nothing bad, even how they ended things was rather noble of them. The type of relationship that never really leaves you. It’s a whole different story from this one — it was theirs alone._

_Her current relationship with Yoichi though was rather unsettled — but it was real. It was real love — but it was a different kind of love. Shiraishi understood now why she and Yoichi had to meet again — closure. Closure in order for them to be whole again._

_“Megumi,” he said as he composed himself, “he’s here. He’s back and he didn’t bring someone along. I also heard that he’s single.”_

_As he closed the bedroom door behind him, she realised that he really was the torchbearer who came in the dark to lead her back into the light. She’ll never forget that._

She really needed to thank Yoichi. She really needed to. She should probably give him a call. That would be better, she thought. Maybe she should send him something like pastries or a nice wine. He’d like that. He’d probably be happier for her than anyone else.

On her way back to Shohoku from the early morning meetings around the local hospitals, she hears a woman scream.

As she looks in that direction, she notices a young boy running into the street unaccompanied in the middle of ongoing traffic. This was bad, but her gut told her to do something. So she ran, not minding the audible objections of the other pedestrians who merely looked in fear. _Don’t you worry about it._ This was something she did for a living, so it was a natural thing for her to take this course. She caught the boy in her arms to her relief but in return, was only slightly aware of her surroundings. In a fraction, she pushes the boy to back into the sidewalk, for she realised the proximity. Why does she always rush into it?

The next thing she knew she was lying on the pavement. Instinct tells her to look for the child, which she sees in view — scared, crying, but alive and uninjured. People then come closer and closer asking if she was alright. She tries to move, but she couldn’t — her left side most especially. Might be something serious, probably more than a concussion — maybe it wasn’t the right choice to move. Then for the first time, she realises that she wasn’t okay, she wasn’t okay at all. She looks at the child again, who is now being escorted out of the way, which relieved her quite a bit.

She then thinks of Lifesaving — she’s definitely going to be late for work now. She’ll have to apologise when she gets there. Kosaku will probably be waiting for her to talk things through. _Kosaku._ He’ll probably scold her and lose his temper first for not checking her surroundings again when he finds out—she always forgets to. Then, he’ll probably worry. No, she knows he’ll worry — he was like that. Kosaku was like that. _Kosaku._

Within a few seconds all her thoughts and feelings just fade into the air — like breath on a cold winter’s day.


	10. Chapter 10

“Fujikawa, what’s wrong?” Aizawa says as the nurse places the phone by his ear.

“I know you’re in an operation right now, but we really need Neurosurgery.”

“Our hands are full at the moment,” he says as he looks at Shinkai who’s assisting him, he asks the nurse to put in on speaker instead, “But we’ll finish in about 10 minutes, can you handle that until then?”

“Aizawa,”

“Tell me the details then,”

“A woman in her 30’s, LOC 3, Pedestrian traffic accident.”

“Okay, get a CT Scan and get back to me.”

“Aizawa,”

“Is there anything else?”

“Aizawa,” Fujikawa’s voice serious firm then slowly shifts in panic,“It’s Shiraishi. She’s the one transported.”

_“If you were in my shoes, what would you do?” he asked her, “The things I picked up in Lifesaving are still committed to my memory. But, I find Neurosurgery interesting because it stimulates my mind a lot.”_

_“Yeah, I understand you,” she replied,_

_“Is it okay to leave it at that?”_

_“I think whichever should be fine. Whether at Neurosurgery or Lifesaving, as long as Aizawa-sensei can hold a scalpel,” a look of serenity appeared on her face, “because no matter where you find yourself in, leaving a patient behind would never be an option to you.”_

“Aizawa, go” Shinkai looks up from where he stood, “I’ll catch up in a few minutes,”

The realisation that it was Shiraishi. The Shiraishi he was just with — he just, he just couldn’t move.

“Go,” Shinkai demands, no commanded, sounding more aggressive as if annoyed that Aizawa hasn’t moved yet. “What are you waiting for?”

He walks slowly, briskly, then runs like his life depended on it —runs to her. A gradual release both in his mind and gait. Aizawa storms into emergency, feeling all kinds of emotions.

_As he got off for the night, he wondered about the voicemail he received on his phone when he opened it for the first time today. It was from Shiraishi._

> _You told me to call you if I needed you. I’m sorry, you’re probably on duty right now. Take care, alright? But, I just needed to get this out. I guess it’s just been hard. I had a patient come in yesterday and he expired in the ICU today. He died right next to his daughter. It’s been… rough, Aizawa. I can’t stop hearing her cries._
> 
> _Goodness, what am I doing? What a terrible message to listen to —_

_It cut off to her doubting herself again, for sending that message. She could send that to him, even she knew that already — she even says it initially._

> _I left a voicemail on your phone, please don’t listen to it._
> 
> _Delete it._

_But then before he could respond back to her, he received a response which highly concerned him now. He replied asking what’s wrong, even tried to call, maybe even a couple of calls — but she wasn’t responding. He replayed the voice message again and realised soon enough as to why she sounded so erratic, so scared._

_What has it got to do with him? Why did she contact him? Shiraishi was the popular type and surely had many friends, but why him? He did not know exactly, but she chose him. Aizawa believed him to be the less fitting for the occasion and in all honesty if it were someone else, he’d just ignore it — it was too bothersome to dip into other people’s personal lives, especially your co-workers. He had a rule. He wasn’t going to be anyone close to his co-workers. He wouldn’t bother would their personal lives so they won’t pry into his — simple. But it was her, and she chose him._

_What was it with her? What was it about Shiraishi that he just broke all rules for her — and he’s just about to break more of them? Whatever the reason, he’ll just have to figure it out on the way._

_He ran, not exactly knowing what he’d do when he got there. He did not even know if she was home — maybe just head to Mary Jane’s first just in case. He is aware on how ridiculous his plan is at the moment. It is. However, it didn’t change the fact that he wanted to go and see her — he wanted to. He just hoped he could remember the way._

 

* * *

“Where is she?”

“Aizawa-sensei,” Saejima calls out to him,

There she was, where they thought she’d never be— his body stiffens at the sight.

“Megumi,”

She lies there, completely unconscious — which made Aizawa feel less at ease with it all. Her face grey and there was blood, so much blood. His breath now coming in short bursts — like he’s about to faint. _Focus, she’s still breathing — she’s still here. She needs you to focus. Focus._ He goes to her and grabs the penlight from his pocket and examines her pupils. He needed to focus. She needed a doctor.

“Dialated left pupil.” his voice steady as if trying to hold it together, “What does the CT Scan say?”

Everyone is on edge, he grabs the tablet once it is handed to him. _Focus._ She’s been entrusted to his care. He needed to be a doctor. He was a doctor, yes, but for the first time, he has never felt fear like this. _She needs a doctor._ As he examines the scan more, his eyes start to retreat as he realises what it was.

“Get her into surgery,” his voice escalating, “Get her to surgery right now!”

“Operating Room 1 is available.”

“Aizawa, what is it?”

“It’s ASDH. She needs urgent haematoma evacuation — and she needs it now.”

 

* * *

_When you went away, I thought — I thought I could let you go. That I could rid myself of you._

He takes a moment to breathe, to focus. He looks at his hands —Shiraishi’s life is in these hands—he cannot afford to let her die.

“Let’s start,” he nods his head to his staff, watching.

_There were so many things I wanted to talk about with you, but you weren't there._

“Aizawa,” Shinkai comes into the operating theatre just in time, “I’m here.”

“She has ASDH and needs urgent decompression,” he says, “she has left hemiparesis as well, so I’m going to make some burr holes and cut a rather large part of the bone on that area so we could decompress.”

“Understood.”

“Scalpel,” he says and takes a deep breath. He does an initial cut right through her, which by the looks of it, was quite large.

_“Sensei,” he grabbed Shiraishi by the arms — his eyes pleading._

_The look on the man’s face was a mix of devastation and fearfulness for the fate of his loved one right in front of him._

_“Have you done this before— has he done this before?” he looked at Aizawa with doubt, which he didn’t mind._

_It was natural at times like this. No one really wanted to get operated on with a doctor with no experience let alone at a setting less than ideal. It was also Aizawa’s first on-location mission since he came back, so he’s a bit on edge as well._

_“No,” Shiraishi said, “but you just have to trust us. We’ll do the best that we can.”_

_Shiraishi then looked at Aizawa with purpose. He looks at her stunned, but nods his head and silently prepared himself to perform the operation._

_“Sensei,” he grabs her again, “do you trust him?”_

_Shiraishi locked into Aizawa’s eyes briefly — very briefly and turned back on the man again. Her demeanour completely changed into something so bright, so bold — something attractive, impressive._

_“With my life.” she said with no hesitation._

“I’ve never seen you work so precise and quick,” Shinkai says as Shiraishi gets wheeled out of the room.

“Ah.” as he cleanses himself off.

“Now for the hardest part — we wait.”

He didn’t know what to do — what to feel. But he knew, that this, this was all he could do for her. He gave it all he got and he didn’t expect anything back.

Now they wait, as you would. Waiting. It was like agony, a state of purgatory. There was so much pain in waiting — you don’t know how to not notice it.

 

* * *

As they wheeled her in the ICU, Aizawa went straight into the Staff Office. It’s not that he didn’t want to see her. He really did. For the first time, he just couldn’t bare to see it — see her. The adrenaline from earlier’s events has worn off and a wave of exhaustion just hits him as he sat down his desk. When was the last time he actually sat down today? Even the sun doesn’t seem to last, it was nightfall now with the moon remaining to not be seen— a moonless night.

Fujikawa comes in with Yukimura in tow after awhile. Most likely to report on Shiraishi’s condition among other things.

_“Aizawa-sensei,” she sighed, “it’s simple. You’re good at what you do, even with your sharp tongue. I don’t see why you can’t be my second-in-command when I fully believe you’re more worthy of being staff leader than I am.”_

Right, the reality of the situation is clearer to him now. With Shiraishi in the ICU, unconscious, he is now both her attending Physician and the current Staff Leader.

_“Despite everything,” she said without turning back at him, “Kosaku, I still trust you.”_

As much as he wanted to just ignore everything, he stood up and listened to each and every situation — even if it pained him to listen to it. It’s what Shiraishi would have done.

“Should we contact her family?” Yukimura asks as she concluded, concerned.

“No need,” Fujikawa answers her. “they’re already aware.”

Fujikawa hands over the tablet over to him, giving Kosaku a pat on his shoulder as he left the room with Yukimura.

He looks down on the tablet and saw Megumi’s personal information on it. There are things he does know, like her age, her birthday — you know, basic facts you’d know about someone close.

_“Despite everything,” she said without turning back at him, “Kosaku, I still trust you.”_

Those words suddenly changed into a whole different idea — reverberating inside his brain. For as soon as his eyes wanders to her emergency contact list, his eyes started to water and he did nothing to stop them from falling.

_“Megumi,”_

_“Hm?”_

_“I updated my personal information on the database, just so you know.”_

_“Oh, I’ll check it out,”_

_He handed over the tablet to Shiraishi, who was doing all sorts of paperworks — even if she was with him here in Toronto for the first time— the first time they’ve seen each other again. She’s in the middle of her own paperwork so she doesn’t quite catch it as first. As she skimmed through the updated information, like his address and contact number in Toronto, she zeroed in to something that wasn’t there before._

**_Megumi Shiraishi — Partner_ **

_“K-Kosaku,”_

_“Hmm?”_

_When he faced an accident a few years ago, he only had the staff in Shohoku by his side — which wasn’t bad at all. But the fact remained, he didn’t have a family. He didn’t have somebody to turn to._

_“Why me?” she said shyly._

_“Your best contact is someone who knows your medical history and how to contact family and friends if something happens — there is no one but you I could think to entrust that to.”_

_No one but her? Shiraishi was astonished. She never heard him say things like this, Aizawa wasn’t vocal about his affections — but she always felt it, so it didn’t matter to her. Being an emergency contact is something they don’t take lightly — they’re from Lifesaving. The mere fact that he considered her to be trustworthy enough to make important decisions for him when — forbid, he comes to a life or death situation— is a really big deal._

_“Megumi,” he looks at her concerned, because for one, she looks like she’s in pain, “if it’s too much for you, if you think this is too soon,”_

_He trails off before he could complete his sentence. He did not know why, but it felt important to him to make this step. It’s been a year since they’ve been together but they spent it all apart. Even so, he felt so incredibly loved and cared for that he couldn’t remember a time where he was without her. They haven’t really talked about marriage nor it was the time to do so. A proposal at this time would probably just overwhelm her and he didn’t want that. However, he wanted to make sure that she felt loved, assure her that he was still here, committed, devoted to her — wanting to stay that way even if there is so much barriers between them. She needed that sometimes. He didn’t want to impose anything— he just realised that he didn’t want it to be anyone else._

_“Megumi, you can say no. You don’t have to do the same, you still ha—”_

_She shook her head and reached up to kiss him ever so tenderly. This isn’t a proposal by any means, nor did she ever expect one, but for Shiraishi, this was more than enough._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ASDH is Acute Subdural Haematoma, by the way. Basically, it's when blood collects and gets stuck in the skull, causing the brain to be pressured on. It's really common in head trauma cases that are caused by car accidents. If you want a brief of it and be informed on it, the simplest one is from the UCLA Neurosurgery website. I can tell you that bc I read different ones.
> 
> Also I did check, you can list anyone as your emergency contact in Japan. So it checks out.


	11. Chapter 11

_“Why did you return to Lifesaving?” Shiraishi asks, “Don’t you want to go to Toronto U?”_

_“I will go, I will beat Shinkai. There’s a decrease on patients in Neurosurgery during the Summer.I don’t want to compete with Shinkai with the limited number of patients over there. If I’m in Lifesaving, I can have all the patients with head trauma all to myself. I will be able to handle patients with nervous system problems such as spinal cord injuries as well. It’s appealing to me because I can handle more cases here. Lifesaving is filled with good things.”_

_“It seems like you, Aizawa-sensei,” she says amused._

_“Besides, there’s you in Lifesaving.”_

Lifesaving has been functioning as it usually did, but you felt the weight looming over it as Shiraishi was still in a state of insensibility. But her absence just made them stronger — that’s what hope does for you.

“Hiyama,”

Hiyama was one of the few people Aizawa decided to inform about Shiraishi’s condition. Arriving in the early morning, even before the Lifesaving staff finished their morning briefing.

“I took a day off,” Hiyama states as Aizawa arrives at the ICU, as if answering a question before it is asked.

The way she responds to Aizawa about Shiraishi was quite minimal, calculated— as if controlling her own emotions. He could feel the indisposition within her, because for awhile he refused to believe it himself. He let her have her own moment of solitude and carried on what he needed to do there in the first place, to be a doctor — to be her doctor.

“You know,” Hiyama laughs to herself after a moment, “she was like this — she was like you when you were like this.”

 

* * *

At different times of the day, different members of staff would stop by, sometimes in pairs or in groups — telling her what was going on, like usual. But Aizawa — Aizawa took over her duties and acts on it as she would, exclusively taking care of her in between. The staff quite being accustomed to his sharp tongue were in shock at first at his change in his demeanour, but slowly realised what he was trying to do. Trying to reach a state of sereneness, a softness — the need to be soft in order to be strong.

He was with Shinkai when Hiyama and Fujikawa cornered him at the cafeteria as they were having a break, looking as if to warn him of something.

“Aizawa,” they both say in sync.

He never thought he’d see the day that Hiyama and Fujikawa seem to be in the same predicament. It was probably about Shiraishi, so he listened intently, as he has been doing.

“Kono’s here.” Fujikawa says,

“Shiraishi never mentioned him to me,” Hiyama adds, “but she really never mentioned anything about you either so I don’t know what’s going on. But he’s here, so there must be something.”

“They’re together,” Fujikawa states matter-of-factly,

“That I’m not sure of,” Shinkai interjects, “but how did he know? Is he an emergency contact?”

“No,” Fujikawa utters, “the one who called would be the emergency co—”

He looks at him like he finally figured out. He was right though, Aizawa did contact him. He didn’t see a reason for him not to let him know.

“You didn’t,” Fujikawa asks, “Aizawa?”

As Aizawa nodded his head, an audible frustration coming from his companions surrounded him.

“Aizawa,” Hiyama hit his shoulder in annoyance, “you idiot.”

 

* * *

“I came as soon as I could,”

Aizawa reaches the ICU with his three companions behind him, as if backing him up for some anticipated battle between. It could be, a battle between Shiraishi’s past and her present — but he wasn’t really sure which one was he anymore. He sees Yoichi looking over to Shiraishi, who is still indisposed — a sense of unrest encompasses him.

Aizawa really made the right call in letting Yoichi know about her condition. 

“How is she?” Yoichi asks, without removing his eyes from her,

“We did what we could,” Aizawa replies,

“Aizawa will explain in detail what we’ve done if you would follow him,” Shinkai says,

Shinkai probably felt the tense energy coming from here — he probably felt the discomfort Aizawa felt as the other two just looked like they were hovering, looming over Yoichi, as if waiting to strike.

“Go,” he whispers to Aizawa, as if saying that he’d take care of everything here.

 

* * *

“I don’t doubt your skills, Aizawa. ASDH is difficult to control, but you got her out with no problems,” Yoichi looks at Shiraishi’s file — his eyes filled with worry, “the thing though with head trauma patients, it’s all about the waiting.”

Aizawa agreed with him. No matter how skilled you are, how well you performed — you’ll only know if you did a good job if they wake up. That is, if they decide to do so. It really is a waiting game — like he hadn’t had enough of it already.

“But Megumi is strong, she’ll cry about it for a moment — only a moment, then carry on,”

“Yes, I do believe she’s like that,” Aizawa acknowledges, “she’s one of the strongest people I know.”

“You really like her don’t you?” Yoichi utters suddenly.

“Are you in love with her?” Aizawa asks, bracing himself for the answer.

“We’re in love,” Yoichi says after awhile, “we’re in love with ghosts. The only difference between us is that the one that haunts her is still alive.”

He did not understand what Yoichi meant by that, but he continued to lend an ear.

“I was married once — and we were happy for awhile. Until we discovered her illness that is. Her condition worsened and she died a few months shortly after we’d discovered it. With me not being to do anything for her, I just —”

Yoichi tries to hold it together, throwing back his head as if to stop his tears from coming out. He takes a deep breath and then continues on — wiping the single tear that has escaped.

“Megumi and I crossed paths again a year after her death, as I was learning to live again— barely. She comes and asks me for a favour, to help her get a teaching position in Meiho for the next semester— no questions asked. Which at that point, honestly, was impossible — she probably knew this. However, there was something about her, you know, quieter, sadder, a solemnity that seems to be unnerving — I just didn’t want to leave her alone. I couldn’t leave her alone.So I did what I could.”

As Yoichi told this story to Aizawa, he couldn’t help but realise how much this man in front of him still loved Megumi, you could really tell — but he loved her in a different way. At the time, they needed to be around someone. Someone to love the pain away — a torch in the dark. He couldn’t help but feel grateful.

“You haven’t actually answered my question, Aizawa — do you like Megumi?”

“I love her,” Aizawa says with such clarity, as if he didn’t even need to think.

“Then you don’t have to worry,” Yoichi replies, “you don’t have to worry about me.”

Yoichi then simply nods his head, as if satisfied. As if content.

“You know, I never really knew who Megumi fell in love with until I was reading her paper,” Yoichi adds, “for someone who seems so reclusive — you actually have good people surrounding you.”

 

* * *

He left Yoichi alone with Shiraishi that night, as he had been told that he was only staying until the early morning, mentioning a promise that he made with her. A promise, that he would need to carry on with life — even in these circumstances. Aizawa did not delve into any further, did not ask about how he and Megumi came to be. He was curious, yes. However, it seems like it was better to be left untold.

With all his duties accomplished and had a little bit of free time, he headed straight into the Neurosurgery office and began to drown himself in their resources. He wasn’t really sure what he was looking for — but when he did, he just sat there and let it consume his time.

_“It’s interesting, is it not?”_

_Aizawa sent Shiraishi a draft of his paper. He was hesitant about it as it was long and it was very late at night in Japan. What was supposed to be a good night call turned into something more of a research session. As she was scanning the paper on the laptop, he couldn’t help but stare at her. Her eyes moving in speed, as he didn’t expect her to be a fast reader, her expressions changing every now and again which Aizawa thought was charming. She still is beautiful, even it’s through a screen._

_This was their life for the time being— apart. If video calls did not exist, he wasn’t sure if he could bare being in Toronto. But it was very late where she was, her eyes tired, blinking from time to time but she wanted to do this for him — you could see it in her eyes._

_“I can do you better,” Shiraishi said after awhile, playfully, “I might even get it published in a Medical Journal.”_

_“Oh really?”_

_“Maybe I’ll do something on Paediatrics or maybe Neurosurgery — No Emergency.”_

_“Why not all three?” Aizawa challenged,_

_“I’ll think of something,”_

_“You always do.”_

_He was about to say goodbye as his lunch break was about to end but he hesitated as he heard Shiraishi yawn. She must have been so tired but she still wanted to do this for him, wanted to be part of his life in Toronto. How did he get so lucky?_

_“What?” Shiraishi says as she noticed Aizawa staring, smiling at her._

_“I don’t think I’ll get tired of looking at you.”_

He felt someone’s hand patting his shoulders, as he looks up, he sees Shinkai looking at him with worry. Aizawa realised he had fallen asleep.

“Aizawa, is there something wrong?” Shinkai asks has he situates himself next to Aizawa,

“I read the paper,” Aizawa brings up, “the one you did with Megumi,”

“Oh,”

He realised why Shinkai was so close with Shiraishi. She did a research on a common emergency on Paediatric Neuro-oncology, Spinal Cord Compression. It was well-informed and to be expected, nothing short of excellent. Like he expected nothing less, especially knowing she had help from Shinkai. Shiraishi would never refuse to give up on a challenge. He just wished he did it alongside her.

“When you got back and told everyone that you had broken up, I couldn’t really say I was surprised.” Shinkai reveals, “When she asked me to do that with her — I couldn’t see why she did not want to do it with you.”

“Ah,”

“When we were working on it, you could see that she was troubled, but she looked like she was trying to conceal it — to never let them know whatever she’s going through was hard to bear. So I didn’t pry. But you could tell she wanted to do it with you,” Shinkai adds, “because most of the cases she chose to include are those I handled with you.”

“Shinkai,”

“Hm,”

“Thank you, for helping Megumi out.”

“Anytime.”


	12. Chapter 12

_“Kosaku,”_

_“Yes?”_

_After seeing the sights, walking around to every monument nearby — taking pictures in between. Taking pictures of each other, taking pictures together, asking other people to take pictures of them. They settled themselves back at his apartment when the sky started to darken. Perhaps it’s the fatigue, but Aizawa thought that there was nothing more pleasurable than sitting in solitude with someone that appreciated its comfort after a long day. He was sure she felt the same._

_“Go out with me? Be my boyfriend?” Shiraishi said out of the blue._

_“I think we’ve established that” Aizawa’s straightened up from his seat, “a year ago.”_

_Aizawa and Shiraishi have been going strong despite the hurdles that they have faced with the distance and the jobs that they have chosen for themselves. Though it’s only been her second day in Toronto, it seems like she had settled in nicely._

_“I know,” Shiraishi said, “But we didn’t do the formal thing, I’ll have you know I might just date someone else while you’re gone.”_

_“Will you now?” Aizawa said playfully,_

_“I might,” she teased, “just because you never asked. So, I’m asking instead.”_

_“Alright, I’ll go out with you.”_

_“Not good enough,” she shook her head, “it sounds so — stiff. I thought it would be more romantic than that.”_

_“Well, what do you want me to say?”_

_“Something that could make up for me asking instead of you — asking so late into this. Surprise me.”_

_Fair point. For the most part they both know they’ve quite been unconventional. They could talk about anything and do anything and not be worried. They wouldn’t be worried about them thinking or saying the wrong thing because the other person, they, they just understood them. They could be asking the most obscure questions to one another and the person could answer just as obscure —but it would always feel like the right answer. But he knew that Shiraishi still wanted that — she still wanted to be swept off her feet. It would be nice once in awhile._

_“Alright,” Aizawa faced her now, “ask me again then. Ask me a better question.”_

_“Kosaku Aizawa,”_

_“Yes?”_

_“I really love you,” she grabbed his hand and placed them close to where her heart was, “I love you so much that my heart aches when I don’t think of you. Take responsibility for what you did to my heart and go out with me? Please.”_

_Shiraishi said exaggeratedly. It came out so unexpectedly, so unconventional — he couldn’t help but laugh a bit. She pouts at his laughter, which slowly relieved him of this — leaving a half-smile across his face, sympathetic. Without removing her hold on his hand, he leaned in closer now— close enough to kiss. Shiraishi even closed her eyes in anticipation. But he doesn’t — at least before he could say what he wanted._

_“I will hold your heart more tenderly than my own.”_

Aizawa wakes from his slumber at the staff room from the sound of his alarm, clutching the fabric of his scrubs around his chest. He grips on it tighter as the thoughts of Shiraishi still in that state come back to him.

This was his reality for the past few days, sleeping in the staff room. He could’ve slept at home, comfortable in his own mattress, it was just that he couldn’t bring himself to go home. He didn’t want to go home. At these times, though the staff and his friends from the hospital knew he hated to be dependent on anyone, they made sure to let him know that they are able to lend him a hand when he needed it — in subtle ways such as lending him clothes to change into, or bringing him a meal knowing well he has skipped several meals, telling him that they’ll keep watch for the night. You know, those kinds of things. This was one of those times.

“More tenderly than my own,” he repeats to himself as he got out from his bed.

 

* * *

“Hey, Megumi-san,” Shinkai says amusingly, 

Aizawa at a normal day, would probably just glare at his comrade, but tonight, he just felt relieved — the comment, he thought, was more targeted to himself rather than for Shiraishi.

“I hope Aizawa has been talking to you,” he then looks at Aizawa, “have you?”

He has. But not the way he believes Shinkai has been implying — and he could tell. Aizawa wanted to counter with a smarter — snarky remark like he usually did, but this time, there was nothing, nothing he could say.

“Aizawa,” he sighs, “it’s been 2 weeks since. You know the reality of what this means.”

It was quite rare for Aizawa to be reduced to something like this— something like stillness. It was given the circumstances, quite a brutal implication — almost as if cruel. A cruel bluntness. Perhaps it was Shinkai reflecting his own worry — his own frustration that he couldn’t do anything else for her — for him, about the situation.

But the reality was clear, the longer she is in this coma, the higher the chances of her having problems when she wakes — the higher that she doesn’t come out of this. Yes, he knows. Aizawa stiffens as his remark, closing his eyes, letting himself show his true feelings — but only for a second.

“Just talk to her, like _really_ talk to her, alright?” he squeezes his shoulder as he left.

As much as Shinkai is annoying, for the most part, he is right.

He looks at Shiraishi again. _Still a bit grey. Still fast asleep._ He moves in closer and holds her hand amidst the tubes and bandage around. There was something about seeing her like this — _actually looking this time,_ bringing him to a place where everything just _disappears_. The sound of footsteps of the staff checking in, the white noise from the heart monitors, the ringing questions just consume you. In this moment, they just don’t — letting him have the clarity that he didn’t have then. The clarity that he clearly wasted so much time just worrying about things that didn’t really matter, that aren’t important.

“Megumi,” he held her hand against his face now — they were still warm.

He called out her name, as you would. Would it reach her? Studies have shown that people in comas do hear you, but it really depended on the circumstances. It didn’t matter. There was no harm in trying — because if she heard him, she’d appreciate it. She’d be happy to hear from him and sometimes, that’s all that really matters.

He didn’t really know how to start. Words, especially for someone who didn’t really talk a lot, don’t come easy. Especially in situations where you need to. But then, now wasn’t the time to hold back.

_You’ve always dwelled on what was once was. That you were a coward, pathetic — I even called you that once, I’m sorry. But that isn’t true, clearly — because you always leap, feet first into the unknown. You’re not the coward here, Megumi. You’re not the pathetic one here. I am. I’m not as brave as you. Maybe someday your courage would make me brave too._

_But that’s just it. You just might not see the somedays anymore._

_When I saw you on the stretcher that day, I — it was like dying again, a second death — and every single day that you haven’t woken up just reminds me of that._

_As I walk by you or when I’m actually just watching over you here, I always ask different questions like: Does she think I’m handling Lifesaving well? Did I do this right? Does she feel any pain? It started off like that— innocent. Then, it crept up to me, the questions I thought I wouldn’t ask: Will I be able to hear your voice again? Will you let me kiss you before you go? What tears would you have cried on your wedding day? Would you have married me if I had asked? Would I ever even know the answer to that? I might even never know._

_But Megumi, you don’t have to stay if you don’t want to. Maybe you’ll finally catch up with your father. He’d probably be waiting for you. I know how much he means to you. I hope you could visit my Mother and Grandma, they’ll probably ask you unnecessary questions about me which I know you could answer — but try to keep it at the bare minimum._

_If you choose to go, you should be able to go without any guilt consuming you. I won’t hold you back. I won’t try and change your mind._

_But before I let you go, before I say goodbye, I just wanted to say how much I truly loved you. I love you. Do you know you taught me that? You taught me how to deal with my anger, my grief — how to live my life wholly. You taught me love. You taught me how to love, Megumi. You are the reason why I know how to love someone. I never thought it was possible to love someone this much — it is possible._

_I’m not going to lie to you and say that I’ll be alright. I won’t — at least for awhile. Honestly, I still can’t believe it. Maybe if we spent a little more time together I would’ve found something I disliked, something considered a deal-breaker, and we would’ve parted without this feeling — it would’ve been so useful._

_I hope that this reaches you because I wouldn’t be able to say this out loud. I hope you could forgive me. I’m still a coward, after all. I hope it reaches you so you’ll know that I’ll be here— you still have a home._

He really wanted to say these things, he really did. But he, he just couldn’t.

“Come home, Megumi,” is what he said instead, in the name of being honest— gripping her hand tighter, brushing his lips against her knuckles. The silence of their solitude was deafening but the warmth gave him a little sense of comfort — the faintest.

“I’ll carry you home.”


	13. Chapter 13

It was hard for the first few months.

Every time he came through emergency, the offices — the heli itself, he couldn’t help but feel her. He couldn’t forget the feeling, the rush, the _heat_. He wanted nothing more than to see her again, to look into her eyes, but it’s clearly not going to happen.

_She isn’t here._

It was clearer now that there was no going back from this — and for the first time, he thought the pain was something he couldn’t handle. A heavy feeling on his chest the whole day because of this constant longing for something that he knows he’ll never be able to get.

_You don’t get to do that anymore._

He wasn’t exactly sure why or how it had happened, but he found himself drinking at Meguri Ai ever so often alongside Shinkai — talking about her. Sometimes Fujikawa would come and join them, but it was usually just Shinkai — they wouldn’t tease him about it or force it out of him like Aizawa thought they would. They just listened to him. Never in a million years he would think that he would be subjecting himself to this — being completely open on how lost he felt.

_Why did you have to go?_

He’d come on home and have a drink to relax — then it became two. Soon enough, he couldn’t see himself not having a taste of it as soon as he came back— even on days he decides to head straight on home. Finding himself unable to relax without it. Until Shinkai showed up one time in the early morning at his house, _a feeling_ — he told him, finding him unconscious by the grass and wilting wildflowers at his home’s garden. As Shinkai pronounced words of anger, frustration — even a little bit of relief, Aizawa changed colour — the emotion was short, and he listened without attempting to interrupt him while he continued. That was when Aizawa decided that it was either he stopped drinking or he’d never stop drinking again.

“Aizawa,” Shinkai squeezes the in-betweens of his eyebrows. He was breathing heavily from his rant earlier, “is this what you want?”

_This is not what I want anymore._

So after straightening up and absorbing all of what Shinkai had to say to him, he decided to start anew. He handed over his duties to Fujikawa and filed his transfer back to Neurosurgery as well as a Leave of Absence. He then left with just a change of clothes and went aboard the next bullet train to Nagaoka.

In Nagaoka, there, he realised he was truly alone. His only connection back was his regular correspondence with Shinkai. He found himself ever so often walking for miles and miles with no specific destination, letting his feet take him wherever they would want. Sometimes he’d end up somewhere nice or end up on a dead end.

In Solitude, he let himself figure out what he really wanted to do. Some days, he felt like savouring the days he spent with his own company — other days he felt like it was empty, lonely, uninhabited. But there, he truly realised that there are some things that you’ll have to see through alone. That void we feel inside, is something others could not fill — that we’d have to fill this ourselves. He let himself disconnect to the world and managed to make peace with what has happened through it. That, and the realisation that he has slowly become so fond of walking — he smiles at himself at the thought.

When he was done hiding away in Nagaoka for a few weeks, he came back to Shohoku and immersed himself in his work. He still refused to go down to Lifesaving and interact with the rest of the staff there. It was all too familiar. He wasn’t quite ready for that.

As the days turned into months, he realised how powerful vulnerability was. He realised how fortunate he really was, having his friends close by, dragging him back into the light whenever he felt like he was walking back into the darkness.

It been a year since and then a little bit more over that.

He regularly helps Lifesaving now, like he used to — even joining in on Fujikawa’s banter before he would get scolded by his wife for saying something unnecessary. Sometimes, he’d let Shinkai take over for him when he felt it come back. The darkness only showed itself once in awhile, slowly, surely fading away. Time really does help with healing.

He did not really drink anymore, apart from the occasional whisky — but it was always just one. When he did, he would only drink it at Meguri Ai with someone close by. Never at home.

Now here he was, currently, in a place he thought he’d never be. But when he really thinks about it, he realises it’s been long overdue. It doesn’t help that Shinkai needed to remind him of that. The audacity of his friend to make it a challenge for him to get here was… something — but Aizawa knows that he couldn’t really resist challenges, that was for sure.

As he steps off the train, he takes a deep breath and walks quickly to reach the outside of the station, as if ready to dive back in.

Maybe because the last time he stepped foot in Aomori was nothing more than to grieve, he didn’t really realise how beautiful it was. It truly was a beautiful place. He wished he went here sooner, but there isn’t time for regrets or for dwellings. He was here for one thing he’d make sure he felt like he got it.

Closure.

So he walked for awhile, now that he’s fond of it — and appreciated the sights that were around. He was taking his time to get to his destination — there’s really no rush to these things.

He finally stops where he’d thought he should be — looking at his phone twice to make sure. But the traditional plaque tells him he’s at the right place. He rings the doorbell and waits for awhile. It really is a big house, after all.

“Kosaku-sensei,” Shiraishi’s mother greets him as soon as he saw his face,

“It’s been awhile, Shiraishi-san,”

 

* * *

He sat there in front of the family altar, sending out a prayer to the departed. It was something Aizawa believed in — that they’re never really gone, merely resting. Merely waiting for you to come and reconnect. The smell of incense lingering around him as he lit them up.

“I’m sorry to disturb you on such short notice,” Aizawa says after awhile.

“No, no, I don’t mind at all,” Shiraishi’s mother says as she places down a cup of tea next to Aizawa, “in fact, I’m grateful.”

“I wanted to offer something a long time ago, but I just couldn’t bring myself to it,” Aizawa says honestly,

“It’s alright, Kosaku-sensei.”

“Still,”

“At least you’re here now,”

 

* * *

Aizawa only stayed for a little longer, just enough to finish another serving of tea. He and Shiraishi’s mum agreed to keep in touch, at least on the topic of gardening — a topic that they seemed to both enjoy. He didn’t seem to mind as from what he saw, the garden at the Shiraishi’s was nothing short of impressive. He thought of reviving his dying garden at home. Maybe buy some new flowers or maybe even a small tree to tend to — at least he had someone to turn to now when it came to those matters.

He arrived at the station a little bit later, the sky was slowly darkening, the sun was about to set — but not quite. Checking to see if the trains were on schedule, he sees an older woman from the corner of his eye. The old woman seemed to be on her own. She looked a little bit frail and her face is filled with concern — but when Aizawa looks at the direction of her distress, he couldn’t help but approach her. It was still quite early for his train anyway and she reminded him so much of his grandma. I guess there are other things he could reminisce.

“Excuse me,” he stoops down to level with her eyes, “would you like some help with that?”

“Only if you do not mind,” the old woman replies.

Aizawa simply lifts up the box and the woman holds on to his arms for support as they went down the staircase.

On the way down the short flight, the warmth reminded him so much of his own grandma and how much he missed her — gripping his arm loosely, tightening every other step. Maybe this was his grandma letting her presence known. Letting him know that he was going to be alright.

“Thank you,” the old woman says as they reach a nearby bench, Aizawa putting down her belongings, “you are very kind.”

“I don’t mind,” he shakes his head,

“I know it isn’t much but here,” she fishes out a small bar of chocolate from her purse and hands it to him, “I hope you like sweets.”

“Thank you,” he smiles at her as he takes it willingly. As much as he would like to refuse it, from experience, you shouldn’t really refuse— especially to elders.

As he waved goodbye to the old woman, he looked at the piece of candy that has been given and chuckled to himself. _Thank you, grandma._ He keeps it in his pockets for the ride back home.

 _This is it_. This day trip made him realise that there was nothing to be afraid of, that damnation that he had been through this past year was all him. He was the architect of his own misfortune. Maybe he needed to run away for awhile. Maybe he needed to stay. But there was no need to dwell, it was time for acceptance. So, this was his promise, he sends out a prayer here, one last time. To let this go, to let _her_ go. It’s alright now.

_This is not what I want anymore._

He closes his eyes and let himself feel her smile and as he opens them again, he counts each step slowly, savouring it. It’s time to leave. It’s time.

_Step._

Life wasn’t really meant to be taken in large movements. So for him to take this long, isn’t really all that bad. He thought that would alright to leave it like this — as it was. Carrying on, while carrying those we have lost. Not as a burden, but their presence as something like a present, a gift of sorts— if that makes any sense. Time spent loving is never time wasted, even if things don’t work the way you want to — its about gratefulness for the beautiful while they lasted.

_Step._

As he reached the middle of the staircase, Aizawa froze in the middle. He knew that voice. He knew that voice all too well. He turned around, there she was. She was far, but close enough for him to recognise. Then, he just — he just couldn’t move.

_Megumi._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you thought i'd kill her, didn't you? 
> 
>  
> 
> sorry for the long hiatus of this, i've honestly been really busy. i'm going through stuff in my real life and they're not so great, but it's doing better— real life really has no appeal. i don't know when the last chapter comes out (because chapter 15's the epilogue lmao everyone say thank you aileen [user hayairei]), but hopefully you guys see it through till the end.
> 
> as always, i really appreciate your time to read. i really do.


	14. Chapter 14

She supposedly wasn’t going to head on to her family home that day. She didn’t live there, wanting to be closer to the campus and would only visit her mother on weekends. But there was something about today that made her want to come home, no — compel her to go. She resigns to her urges and went straight there as soon as she finished organising her lessons for tomorrow.

As she steps foot onto her family home, the air felt different. It wasn’t disturbing, it was a little more comforting but there was something off — like the warmth of someone’s embrace lingering after they’ve let you go. 

She did not know why she started to run, but she did anyway. There wasn’t really a direct destination, but there was something in her that knew where she was going.

“ _I understand that we’d rather let ourselves do the suffering, but at what price? Shiraishi, stop running away from it. Face it head on,” he exhaled, “You don’t need to run anymore.”_

Shiraishi saw Aizawa for the first time in what felt like an eternity. He was busy carrying some older woman’s belongings down the stairs so he hasn’t noticed her yet. As he looks like he was going back up, Shiraishi thinks of letting him leave like that, without him ever seeing her. But something in her feels like this will be the last time, this was the last time. It feels like he wasn’t going to come back, come back to Aomori — come back to her.

“Aizawa!”

Her call made him look directly to her direction — he stands there in stunned disbelief. She knows he saw her — she knows. Aizawa was a man of few words, few emotions — but one of the few things Shiraishi has picked up over the years, one of the few things she started noticing too late — Aizawa had a way of transforming itself when he would find her in a crowd. A stillness, a feeling like he didn’t want to be looking at anyone else — like he didn’t see anyone else. It hasn’t changed. It hasn’t changed at all.

 _“It’s so easy for you to say you’re over someone if you aren’t seeing them,” Shinkai said as he handed him an envelope containing train tickets, “the challenge is to look them in they eye and see their smile and hear their voice and still be able to say_ **_This is not what I want anymore._ ** _I dare you, Aizawa.”_

Just when he thinks he finally found some peace. Just when he thinks finally figured it out, finally know what direction, what path he was going to take — the path changes. The path changes and yet, she still seems to stand there.

Shiraishi’s closer now but Aizawa just stands still, looking at her — expressionless. Almost as if he’s trying not to show anything. Hesitant. He doesn’t say a word but the hard lines on his face slowly melted away. Taking a step down to where she was.

 

* * *

He buys them some cans of coffee from the machine — sitting down at a bench in the nearest park around the station and they started talking. At first, it wasn’t much, like the weather and words of gratitude coming from Shiraishi — for coming round to visit her mother and for the can of coffee, which tab came loose after a few seconds as she fiddled with it. It stirs into small talk territory and she starts asking about their friends — how Fujikawa, Saejima and their kids were, how Hiyama was, how Shinkai was, Lifesaving, even Yoichi was mentioned — not that Shiraishi needed to know, she keeps in touch with all of them. He knows this, but he humours her anyway.

He then starts to share about his life in the past year, what has changed, and Shiraishi did the same — finally having a little more courage. She shares her experiences post-accident and how she had to relearn everything as if you were born yesterday — spending most of her days in physical therapy. She confided to him that she has been told that her body will never be the same again but she tries to make it work for her — she stopped using a cane and could recently run a little. Maybe even a lot.

As they were talking, Shiraishi could not stop looking at him. He wasn’t really looking much at her when he would talk — but he would when she was speaking. He would move his head to the side, as if letting her know that he was listening intently, carefully, like he always was. She watches him fiddle his fingers as he talked, the way they clench when he’s stressing out a point in his dialogue —it was a habit of his. She wants to reach out and hold on to it, the solidity, the stability of his hands, but decides not to — she wasn’t quite sure if she was ready to touch him, but she knows she wants to.

“Why are you actually here then?” Shiraishi brings up curiously, 

“To fulfill a promise I had made to myself long ago.” he says slowly,

“Which is?”

“To offer incense at your family altar.”

Shiraishi looked at him, her features softening. It made sense. He didn’t even contact her that he would come — so it checked out. Though in her heart it hoped, she had hoped that she would reach him once more.

Aizawa ignored her staring at his revelation. But he felt it. He wasn’t sure what it was — is it anger? Frustration? Sadness? Joy? Happiness? While he wasn’t sure how she feels — even how he feels, he believes that he should tell her how he truly felt in solitude — the answers that didn’t really have a direct question to them. Statements that are needed to be said. Now wasn’t really the time to hold things back.

“You know? For awhile I did not understand, but as the days turned into months — it’s been more than a year now actually. You just didn’t want me to carry the burden — it was a void I couldn’t fill. It was something you had to do on your own.” he adds, “So, how about you, then? Did you find yourself? Did you find the woman you said would deserve someone like me?”

As he pronounces these words to her, Shiraishi suddenly becomes unsettlingly aware of her own heartbeat. _Right, that’s what I said to him._ In all honestly, she hasn’t found her yet. She doesn’t know if she ever will. It was a constant battle in her head in what she wants and what was the right thing to do.

“That’s all you really came here for? To offer incense at my family altar?” Shiraishi retorts instead,

“You say that like you don’t believe me,”

“What if I don’t?”

She did not know why she provoked him that way— but she dared, swallowing the fear.

“Do you want to dump me again for the third time?” Aizawa tries to joke with her, “Come on, now that’s just cruel. I think I’ve been dumped by you more than enough.”

She shakes her head, feeling the waves of regret sweeping her out, moving towards him — wanting to hold him.

“Don’t,”

 _You don’t get to do that anymore._ Aizawa’s face darkens as he stood from his seat.

“I understand now why you had to do that, why you broke up with me— but coming here, doesn’t mean anything else,” Aizawa says quietly, “I didn’t come to Aomori to win you back, truly,” he says seriously, “I came back here to finally get something I’d never thought I deserved.”

“Closure,” Shiraishi answers for him,

“Closure,” he repeats,

“I was waiting for a sign,” Shiraishi says, fiddling with her fingers, “waited for a sign that you wanted me back. When I heard you came back I—”

“Shiraishi,” he cuts —his voice was strong, but soft at the same time, “believe me when I say I have tried to stay away from here, from you— _because you had asked me to_. You made me believe after we broke up, after I came back from Toronto, that you still loved me — you even slept with me. Then, I cared for you throughout your recovery— because what else do you do when you’re in love? You made me love you, Megumi. You made me love you again and for what? Only for you to leave and exile yourself to Meiho claiming I didn’t deserve a woman who was broken. I spent weeks, months — I spent a year telling myself that this, this is what was best, that this is what you wanted. Now, you tell me you were waiting for _a sign_?”

She stood there, frozen. She couldn’t even look at him. All that time they spent apart, was clearly nothing but letting them break each other’s hearts. She understood his suffering — and she was the one who made him suffer. He broke his own heart trying to be enough for her.

“I’m sorry. I just didn’t want to stand in the way of your own happiness, Kosaku.”

“But I want you to stand there!” he rubs the bridge of his nose in frustration, “to think that we’ve known each other for a long time, you clearly still have no idea what I want. It really makes me wonder if ever had feelings for me at all.”

“Kosaku,” Shiraishi struggles to keep her voice even, her eyes glassy as if trying to hold back her own tears, “why would you say that?”

“Honestly, whatever we had feels like I chased you down and made you feel the things you feel now. Because if you loved me, you wouldn’t spend so much time running away from me. You had a whole year to tell me while I tried to convince myself that I didn’t need to be with you — that you were happy, happier here, without me. Because you left like you were never coming back.”

“I didn’t know,” she furrows her eyebrows in his revelation, 

“I know,”

“I’m sorry.”

“You shouldn’t feel the need to apologise. I do not want an apology.”

“What do you want then?” she tries asking,

He didn’t respond. He just simply looked at her deeply and hoped that the glassiness of them wasn’t that noticeable. As he looked at her, he comes back to what was once said to him before he got here and found that the words were a quite a fit.

_This is not what I want anymore._

“So you did not come back here hoping to get back together with me, Aizawa?” she asks another question instead, reflecting what she was hoping all along.

The past hung so heavy around and none of them are willing to get it off, weighing them down. He was so exhausted, Aizawa just let himself surrender to it.

“No.”

She looked at him now, deeply. To see if he was going to crack under her gaze and reveal that he was lying to her — that he was here for _her_. One could only hope that there was a tiny hint of doubt to his answer, but there wasn’t any. All she could see was the truth, he was telling her the truth.

In this moment, it’s hard to picture now, the two of them reconciling — being together again. 

_Megumi, If you give me a little more time, I’ll be able to finish up all I’ve ever felt, the love I have given to you. Little by little, I’ll be able to forget — to say goodbye completely, since it must be so._

Ever so sightly, subtly, Aizawa smiles. The kind of smiles that you’d miss in a fraction of a second if you weren’t looking. It was enough of a signal for Shiraishi that he still remembered it, remembered the feeling — still remembering the feeling of being in love.

 _Megumi, you idiot._ Shiraishi was afraid — terrified. It’s terrifying to confess to someone that you love them to begin with — but to tell them after everything that has happened that you still do? She thinks that would be enough to frighten someone to death.

_It’s just a matter of time before he’s completely gone._

In this moment, she needs to convince him. Hoping that she could convince him, that it isn’t too late. It is hard to see them together again, yes, but it wasn’t impossible. Shiraishi was holding on to that.

“But I do,” Shiraishi says,“if you would let me in,”

“What?”

“Kosaku, all I’m saying is if you’d ask me to be with you again, I wouldn’t say no.”

“But would you say yes? Would you mean it and stick to it?”

Aizawa couldn’t help it but be doubtful. He felt a rush of conflicting emotions running through his veins. He didn’t even see it as an option.

_He still believes that I’d run away from this._

Shiraishi contemplated carefully on how she would go about this. Every expression, every movement, every word — will define how this will go for the both of them. The things she has read about relationships, the one’s she thought were right — were actually quite wrong. She realised that you wouldn’t really know the truth about any relationship unless you’re the one in it. This was the truth. Love isn’t for the weak, it takes a lot of hope. She takes a deep breath and moves forward, surprised that Aizawa doesn’t remove himself.

“Look at me,”

“Shiraishi,”

“Megumi,” she corrects, slowly gliding her fingers around his jaw making him face her,

As he faces her, he keeps his eyes closed. Pretty, flowery words are easy. He always thought they were cheap and misleading. The words needed to be said are the ones that are harder to say, the one’s he keeps close, the ones that are so sweet they rot your teeth as you keep them shut — the harder truths. Her name is one of those.

“Kosaku,” her voice soft, slow — like breath, “would you look at me please?”

He flinched as soon as he felt her hands cupping his face. As if it stung. As if it burns. He slowly eases up on it, resting his face so delicately on her fingers, as if they were meant to be there — as if they were made for him.

“Kosaku, I love you,” she affirms, “I’m in love with you. I always have been.”

The moment she grazes her thumb across his cheek, she finally meets his beautiful brown eyes— seeing something change in them in the fraction. The more she thought about them, the more she knew it to be true. It made so much sense. She just hated the fact that it took so long for her to just let it happen.

“I don’t know if I can make you happy,” he replies, “if we’ll be happy,”

“I can decide my own happiness.”

“I’m not as strong as you think,” 

“I’ll still choose to be with you anyway,”

It’s not anymore about being perfect for the other. Shiraishi wasn’t perfect— he was even further from that. However, he spent his moments of solitude trying to put it into words why he could only see _her._  All that matters that whatever they have, it works — it fits. As if he’d even want her to change. Suddenly, what he was saying to say to himself had a whole different meaning as he looked closer into her eyes. He tried so hard to stop, deny, but he can’t, he won’t — he doesn’t want to anymore. _This is not what I want anymore._

“If we try again, we’ll have to take it really slow. We need to figure this out. I want to learn to trust you again — we need to learn how to trust each other. No more secrets. No more running away,” he offers, “We could try again.”

Shiraishi examines him for a moment as if to let his words register into her brain. Her heart pounded profusely, but she felt it — that this, this was the right choice.

“We could,” she answers,

“It’ll be different from what it was,”

“I don’t want it to be like it used to,” she agrees, “different is good.”

Then, the fear kind of drops away as she pronounced those words to him. A smile etches on his face, imagining what life would be like — then he stops himself, realising it’s better to live day by day.

“I can’t guarantee anything about the future.”

“Well,” she sighs, but grins stupidly, “we’ll always have today.”

They would be lying if they said that they always knew that they’re going to be together — because they didn’t. They don’t even know if they’ll last. No one really knows. Despite the trials, the tribulations, everything that has happened the past, they are now choosing each other — choosing to be together. There’s always going to be an underlying uncertainty but today, this is what they chose —and sometimes, that’s all that really matters in the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If Aileen didn't pass her exam this would be the end of it. It's still the end of it all actually - since the 15th is an epilogue. Well I'll save the long speech my gratitude and let you just have this.


	15. Epilogue

_“Let’s stop being so unfriendly and do this normally.”_

_“You’re Aizawa-kun from Nagaoka Lifesaving Centre, right?”_

_“And you’re the daughter of Professor Shiraishi of the famous Meiho Medical University, right?”_

 

* * *

 

Shiraishi stayed in Aomori until the end of the year — at least until the launch of the Doctor Heli program in Meiho. Aizawa would come and visit her at least once every week — if he couldn’t, he’d call her. He also returned to being Staff Leader of Lifesaving back in Shohoku but as soon as she returned, he willingly let her take the reigns once more.

With the change in Aizawa’s demeanour, the people around him did not even need to ask him and simply accepted the fact. Simply verifying his reconciliation with Shiraishi through their casual conversations like they have known all along and left it at that. Fujikawa was the last to know. He was obviously annoyed.

After a few months, Shinkai figured out as soon at they’d clock out of the hospital that the two had eloped — noticing Aizawa’s wedding band one day while in the lockers. He didn’t tell anyone else, but sent over some flowers to their home the next day.

In the end, there was a wedding — much to their chagrin. After a few objections from Aizawa and Shiraishi, arguing that they had eloped for good reason, they reluctantly agreed to her mother’s request. It took place at a temple in Aomori, traditional — the guest list quite _small_ , at least for the stature of the Shiraishi’s. Surprisingly, their friends found a way to attend, mentioning how many small favours they’d put in just so they could exchange shifts — to which the couple found incredibly touching. It was beautiful.

The engagement ring was something Aizawa really thought of. He didn’t really know much about rings but when he got home from reconciling with her again, he started researching about the different sizes, cuts, meanings of them all — and settled for a simple one with a gold band a few months later. He kept it in the pockets of his jacket for a good few months until he proposed.

She was outside, by the helipad, when he proposed. After crying hysterically and saying yes more times Aizawa could count, Shiraishi managed to still scold him for doing it when she wasn’t presentable. It was the early morning and they just finished a load of work which didn’t finish until the dawn.

There were disagreements, of course. Lots of them, but they’d always managed to end up reconciling at the end of the day. Most of the time they’d end up in bed, in each others arms — holding each other close. However, there was a time where Aizawa slept on their guest bedroom after a quite awful fight, but he couldn’t really fault her for that. Shiraishi was devastated after finding out about her miscarriage and did not want to be touched. It almost tore them apart, but with patience and a whole lot of trust — they came back stronger than what it used to be.

They had almost given up on trying for children and accepted that they’d have a childless marriage, but they found out she was pregnant when Aizawa started noticing her fondness for grapes — filling half their fridge with them. There was a son, but he only came after his sister who was born a year before. His children have no striking resemblance to him apart from their last names, but Shiraishi would always point out that her children’s hands, particularly their mannerisms, are very much proof that they are truly his.

There were innumerable celebrations they had attended — birthdays, graduations, awardings, weddings, anniversaries. There were bi-monthly dinners at their place and playdates with their colleagues’ children. They’d never miss to go to Nagaoka and or Aomori on death day. Sometimes they’d bring their children along, but most of the time they were joined by Aizawa’s father in Nagaoka and Shiraishi’s mother in Aomori. There were so much more things in between.

But at the end of it all, they ended up on Aomori, living at her family home — which Aizawa thought the massive garden was a good for his aging heart. Shiraishi needed support from a cane, but still continued to go on walks without one. He’d constantly keep on reminding her to use one and Shiraishi would notice that his eyes would still have the same spark they always had when they first met— so she continued on walking without one anyway. He decided to simply join her instead when she went out for those walks as a compromise — which much to his dismay, was Shiraishi’s plan all along.

Shiraishi sat close to him at his hospital bed when the time came, holding his hand the whole time. His thumb rubbing against her knuckles like he used to — until he couldn’t anymore. She watched as his eyes, which often reminded her of the warmth of the sun, slowly set for good. She cried and cried a little bit more, but she knew in her heart that the life she lived, she lived with him was the best choice she could’ve made and no one would’ve even come close.

 

* * *

Before all of that, before everything that had happened, there was the date — the date after Aizawa and Shiraishi had decided to reconcile and give things another shot.

It wasn’t exactly a date. Honestly, it was rather uneventful. But for some reason it’s an indelible memory to them both — something that they always remember.

It was a week after they started talking again and they were talking on the phone about gardening that night, out of all topics. When Aizawa had mentioned that his garden needed tending to, Shiraishi quickly offered to help him out with it — and at her next day off, she was there, carrying a large bag of gardening tools and a massive grin on her face.

They spent the whole day taking out weeds and dead plants in silence. After that was done, they took a short trip to a nearby garden centre and chose a few plants together to replace and fill the gaps the others have left. Shiraishi spat out information about different plants in between, she was particularly knowledgable on shrubbery which Aizawa thought was amusing.

Finishing about a little bit after the sun had set, Aizawa and Shiraishi settled on the bench he had placed as an afterthought and admired their work they had done the whole day.

“It’s a nice view,” she brought up,

“You’re not so bad yourself,” Aizawa replied,

“I meant the garden,” she said, blushing profusely— the redness reaching her ears,

“I know, but I’m simply stating an observation like you have done,”

“Right,”

 _What am I going to do with you?_ Aizawa looked at her flustered state and sighed in disbelief. He just simply moved closer to her and took her hand around his. The gesture quickly calmed her, and she allowed herself to move closer to him wrapping her arm around him.

“Megumi,”

“Hm?”

“Can I kiss you?”

“What?” Shiraishi shot up away from him, she could feel the heat rising to her face again,

“Would you let me kiss you?” 

“I— I don’t know if you should,”

“I didn’t ask if I should, Megumi.”

He moved closer and removes a strand of hair away from her— tucking it at the back of her ear. Her heart reverberated deeply at the gesture.

“If I kissed you, would you let me?”

As his other hand cupped her face, she breathed a reply.

“Yes.” she said as she parted her lips to accept his kiss — wrapping her hands slowly around him as they met.

He kissed her softly, passionately — kissed her like he was making up for lost time. He then broke the kiss after a few seconds, knowing that he shouldn’t push, that he shouldn’t rush things — he pushed his forehead against hers and softly pecked the top of hers shortly after. She then felt his arm wrap around her tightly, warmly. She leaned her head against his shoulder, closing her eyes — remembering the feeling of him. They didn’t need to say it out loud, but at the moment they were thinking the same thought.

_This feels right._

They didn’t really know how long they stayed that way, wrapped around each other— but they just did. There was no talking, simply a comfortable silence between them. This silence, they haven’t realised yet, was the beginning of a whole new role in each other’s life. Not as a comrade. Not as a friend. Not as a lover. Something else entirely. A guardian of each other’s solitude — simply letting each other grow. Not as one, but to grow together. In solitude.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Right, I know that I had just posted the final chapter literally more or less 24 hours ago — but it's intentional. For one, epilogues, at least for me, I'd want to read them immediately after (Except for the HP7 one, I did read it, but I choose to forget it bc it was fucking terrible). I also want this fic to be done so that I can do other things, maybe write some other one. I'm not sure what I want yet. I might retire after this. I might not. You'll just have to see what I'll decide on — hopefully you'll still want to read my stuff when I reach my decision (follow me on twitter in the meantime to see what i'm up to— @flybyth).
> 
> I would like to use this part to express my utmost gratitude to everyone reading this fic and for following it for months. I would like to especially thank those who'd leave me comments to read. I honestly appreciate each and every one of them. I really do. I hope you'd leave a comment until the end so I know how you feel — I like reading something too, you know? I'll address all the comments (mostly the latest one you've posted, if you posted multiple ones) a week after this, I promise. You can also tweet at me if you'd like.
> 
> I never thought I'd have published work, let alone a trilogy of sorts. I did that, wow, a trilogy. It's still surreal to me honestly. It's even more surreal that I've written more words for this ship than my actual academic thesis. So. I'm just in a state of overwhelm in general.
> 
> I will never stop saying thank you to all of you. For you made me believe in my capabilities when I didn't believe in it myself.


End file.
